The Nog Blog

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes (Episode 1) Recap

2012-01-26T18:46:00.000-06:00

Some people consume information. Some consume food; others drugs or alcohol. I consume TV. Lots of TV. While I pride myself on avoiding what I call trash (Real Housewives, Toddlers & Tiaras, anything on E!), there is one guilty pleasure that I can't get enough of. And that's "The Challenge" on MTV.

If you don't know, The Challenge takes cast members from past Real World and Road Rules seasons and put them together on teams, living in a big pimped out house with nothing to do but drink in their down time. They compete for cash and prizes, and each episode 2 people or teams (depending on the season) battle it out in the elimination challenge arena (always given an overly dramatic name) with the loser going home and the winner staying in the game. At its core, The Challenge is an enabler. It allows people whose biggest fear in life is filling out a W2 the ability to extend their 15 minutes of fame.

There's no other show on television that I get simultaneously excited for yet embarrassed to admit that I love watching so much. Basically, it's Survivor but with tons of booze, lots of hormones and drama and recurring characters. That's key. There are people we love and people we love to hate. And for those of us who love the show, we can't get enough.

Did you know this is the 22nd Season of The Challenge?!?!? Obviously, they do multiple seasons in a year but still! That's crazy. Now, since I've been neglecting my blog off and on for the past few months (more on why in a couple of weeks) I thought I'd reward the 12 of you who read this by giving you a weekly recap after each episode. This week's recap is coming out late because, well, I just decided to do this around lunch today. In the coming weeks, I'll try to get the recaps out sooner.

Due to this long-ass intro, this week's actual recap of the action will be short. But before we get to that, let's look at the cast of characters...and I do mean characters, vying for a share of the $300,000 prize money on The Challenge: Battle of the Exes. (Teams of 2...who have either hooked up, dated, or have been serious at one point in the past)

To save some time and space, you can read bios and the little history of the "couples" here. Here's my quick reaction to each couple...

Dunbar and Paula: Team crazy. One of these two might murder the other one.
CT and Diem: "Career first." I expect a lot of drama and a lot of Diem crying.
Aneesa and Rachel: Aneesa scares the shit out of me. Is an all girl team fair??? Just asking.
Ty and Emily: Whatever.
Wes and Mandi: In the first episode, Mandi declared "the only thing I'm kissing is the paycheck at the end." Translation: "I'm gonna wait 4 episodes before I hook up with Wes."
Johnny and Camila: This is one of the two couples that don't hate each other's guts...something tells me that will be to their advantage throughout.
Abram and Cara Maria: Weird meet weirder. These two are exhausting. Let's move on.
Mark and Robin: The other couple that don't hate each other. By the way, there's a rumor out there that Robin may or may not have hooked up with a certain Yankee who may or may not have been involved with Madonna. Just sayin'.
Dustin and Heather: One of the rookie couples. Rookies normally get thrown into elimination right off the bat, because, well, everyone else wants to stick around and party as long as possible. These 2 were on the recent Real World: Las Vegas season and let's just say there was a revealing secret about Dustin's past that Heather learned from her mom - who found it on the internet...before Dustin could tell Heather. Even in the fake/staged reality world of MTV, that's not good.
Tyrie and Jasmine: 12/1 Jasmine murders Tyrie. 4/1 Jasmine breaks something every episode (she's already 1 for 1). 2/1 These two hook up by episode 5.
Leroy and Naomi: Leroy is laid back and chill. Naomi is crazy. This will not end well.
Nate and Priscilla: Another rookie couple. Priscilla's really cute and according to her, "Nate and I made out for like 10 minutes on our season of the Real World...so I guess that's why we're here." By the way, Nate might be someone I want to hang out with but might be someone I want to punch in the face after hanging out with him for 15 minutes.
Vinny and Sarah: I love Sarah. She's awesome...although she needs some thicker skin. Vinny...well, I think the hat I'm wearing right now is smarter than he is.

How the Game Works: Each episode, there's a challenge they compete in. The team who does the worst is automatically in the elimination. The team that wins is the "power couple" and they determine the other team that goes into elimination. The 2 teams will then battle it out in "The Dome" - see, told you it was overly dramatic.

Long Story Short: Nate fell of this honey coated beam about 6 times, causing an automatic entry into The Dome for him and Priscilla. Wes ran his mouth back at the house, so power couple "Johnny and Camila" threw Wes and Mandi in. Wes and Mandi were victorious in the elimination sending one of our rookie couples home. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing too exciting with just a lot of groundwork and "Ummm...I can't believe I'm partnered with (fill in the blank)" reactions.

I'll do a better, more thorough job recapping going forward, but I needed to set things up with this first entry. Let me leave you with my current Power Couple Power Poll and the Quote of the Week.

Power Couple Power Poll (through episode 1)
5. Abram and Cara Maria
4. Vinny and Sarah
3. CT and Diem
2. Mark and Robin
1. Johnny and Camila

Quote of the Week
"What am I gonna do? I didn't practice walking on honey at home." - Nate

1 recap down...hopefully I can keep "killing it" all season long. Until next week!

My Top 5 "Real" TV Series of 2011

2012-01-12T18:09:00.001-06:00

I’m a bit of a TV junkie. Anyone who follows this blog knows that. While I’m not a huge reality TV fan, I am a ginormous fan of many “real” TV series. What’s that, you ask? Well, there are 3 different genres of reality TV shows.

First, there’s what I call Amateur Hour. These are people with no discernable skills who get picked to go on a show for whatever reason (think The Real World). Often, this morphs into genre #2, the Competition Show. This is stupid shit like Survivor and The Bachelor. But on the other end of this genre are shows like Top Chef and Project Runway. The final genre is Voyeurism. In its simplest form, this consists of a camera crew following someone around. There are many different variations of this, of course. You have wannabe self-made celebrities like the Kardashians and anything on E!. But there are also shows like The Deadliest Catch and Big Shrimpin’ where you get to watch something someone does without having to take part and risk your life.

The two areas that I have TV crushes on are the good competition shows pitting skilled people against each other and voyeuristic shows that follow people in their real day-to-day job. Examples of good competition shows are Project Runway, Top Chef and Top Shot. Three examples of ‘good’ voyeuristic shows are American Pickers, Pawn Stars and Ice Road Truckers, all of which are on History Channel. In fact, History and Discovery Channel dominate this category that I love. And that category is what I call “Real TV.”

These are my 5 favorite Real TV shows of 2011.

5. The Deadliest Catch (Discovery Channel)
Deadliest Catch is the old standby. I will always watch this show, and I will always like this show. However, Deadliest Catch 2011 ran into a couple of issues that dropped it a notch or two on my list. The biggest issue was that they had 7 boats on the show this year. That’s just too damn many. It caused each episode to be a little more broken up, and there would be times when I’d go a full hour without getting to see my favorite ships. Combine that with not an overly crazy season and Deadliest Catch is my 5th favorite Real TV show of 2011.

4. Swamp People (History Channel)
Oh Swamp People. Season 1 arrived quietly in the fall of 2010. But what made the show (about Alligator Hunting in Louisiana) an immediate favorite of mine was taken away in 2011. In the first season, there was little production value and maybe 4 or 5 people/boats they highlighted. The lack of production actually helped the show. My favorite part was when they delivered the death shot to the gators. The music would build, things would get dramatic and then BOOM, their rifle would go off about 2 inches above the head of the gator, and at that exact moment, the music would cut. Truth be told, it was hilarious. And I loved it. Unfortunately, the production value went up in Season 2 to the point where the show was overproduced. I don’t know if PETA got a hold of ‘em or what, but we never see the death shot to the gators anymore. Instead, there’s a recreated slow-motion camera shot in its place, oftentimes coming up from the water looking down the barrel of the gun. Yawn. In my opinion, their “improvement” to show was a detriment. Also, Swamp People made the same mistake as Deadliest Catch. They featured too many people in Season 2. Dear History Channel & Swamp People show-runners, please simplify things for Season 3. Thank you.

3. Auction Hunters / Flip Men (Spike TV)
Auction Hunters follows two guys who buy abandoned storage units and sell the contents while Flip Men follows two guys who buy foreclosed and condemned houses, fix them up and sell them in short timeframes. Both of these shows feature somewhat loud and corny guys who address the camera multiple times an episode. Both duos turn apparent junk into profit. Both take chances. Both feature a nice recap at the end of each episode where you see how much they spent and how much they sold stuff for and the total profit they walked away with. Both shows are highly addictive and entertaining. And sometimes, that’s all you need.

2. Gold Rush Alaska (Discovery Channel)
"This is what America is all about. This is the greatest country in the world. The kind of country that a guy can take a gamble and still risk it all in an effort to feed his family. It’s the American Dream right here." Sorry, I got caught up in the shit they say on this show ALL THE TIME. I honestly can’t describe the appeal of this show. The first season was good. The second season has been just as good, and they did a great job of adding two other claims. Oh, in case you don’t know, this show is about a group of guys from Oregon who move up to Alaska during the summer to search for gold. But this isn’t your great-grandfather’s panning in a river for gold. This is heavy and expensive machinery. The show is hopeful, entertaining, frustrating and hilarious all at the same time. But deep down I watch because there’s a small ounce of me that wishes I can just pick up and go play with huge equipment in a search for gold.

1. Bomb Squad: Afghanistan (G4)
Holy fucking shit. I’m sorry, but those are the best three words I can use to describe this show. It’s intense. It’s terrifying. It’s thrilling. And it’s exhausting. But it’s so well done. Essentially, the show follows an EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) group with multiple teams in Afghanistan in their constant search to find and clear IEDs. Even though we know (at least we think we know) that nothing extremely bad will happen to these guys, there’s a haunting sense of doom in each episode. This show does an excellent job telling the story of these brave men, giving us a glimpse of who they are as people, not just soliders. The show has no agenda. It’s exceptionally well done. And it’s #1 on my list.

Twas the 22nd of December

2011-12-23T11:29:00.000-06:00

Twas the 22nd of December and a flight I was to catch
I'm going to North Dakota for the holiday stretch.
When I arrived at the airport what do I see?
My flight's been delayed due to mechanical difficulty.
I have three flights today, so this news is trouble
I need to rebook my 3-legged journey on the double.
Now I'm given a 4-hour layover up in Memphis
But at least I'll be home in time for Christmas.
Uh oh. My flight out of Memphis is delayed?!?
I could miss my Fargo connection; I become dismayed.
Atlanta's been the culprit for these delays all day
There's nothing I can do; nothing I can say.
At Minneapolis we arrive with 2 minutes to spare
I leap from my seat and run like a deer.
A half mile of airport is covered real quick
With the blinding speed of Jolly St. Nick.
Arriving at the gate, the door is still open
They held the plane; my luck is changing.
An hour later, in the baggage claim I wait
If my luggage made it to Fargo that would be great.
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear?
My black Samsonite bag, oh my! It's here!
A 12-hour journey that was close to terrible
Reaching Fargo was a Christmas miracle.

Single Guy Christmas Card 2011

2011-12-19T14:35:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I believe in the Single Guy Christmas Card. In that post, I alluded to this year's card being MA: for mature audiences only. Well, shortly after that post, I changed my mind to a more PG version of equal hilarity. The finished product is below. In the 4 years of doing cards, I believe this is far and away the best one yet. Now, what the hell am I going to do next year to top it?

Text: "Still waiting for my Jenn-naaay. Happy Holidays from Alabama."

Wintry Wonderland Holiday

Create personalized holiday cards online at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

Why Do We Care About the BCS?

2011-12-06T16:35:00.002-06:00

This will not contain any bitching about the national championship matchup. And this won’t be an argument for a playoff system in college football. In fact, I plan on solving nothing while offering no suggestions about anything. However, I will be raising questions in an effort to prove that the BCS is a charade, masking as many “right reasons” as a Kim Kardashian wedding.

Here is the current BCS top 10 heading into Bowl Season
1. LSU
2. Alabama
3. Oklahoma State
4. Stanford
5. Oregon
6. Arkansas
7. Boise State
8. Kansas State
9. South Carolina
10. Wisconsin

And here are the 5 BCS Bowl Games
1. BCS National Championship
2. Fiesta Bowl
3. Rose Bowl
4. Sugar Bowl
5. Orange Bowl

In a perfect world, every 2 teams would play each other going down the line. So #3 would play #4, #5 would play #6 and so on. But some BCS Bowl games (Rose and Orange to name two) have specific rules about who plays in them. The Rose Bowl takes the Big 10 and Pac 12 champs unless one of them plays in the national title game and the Orange Bowl takes the Big East champ. Hint: they’re nowhere in the top 10 listed above.

After all the bullshit is sifted through, BCS Bowl selection committees can invite at-large teams. This is akin to the Homecoming committee in high school getting to pick the team their school plays for the game. What criteria do they use? Well, no one knows for sure. If there are at-large teams involved, it all comes down to their specific preference. In other words, it all comes down to money.

Money you say? Impossible. Not in the pure sport of college football! BCS Bowl selection committees, any bowl selection committee, is first-and-foremost interested in the money a school will bring to their bowl. That’s why big schools get preferential treatment with the bigger bowls. When you know that 100,000 people are going to be vying for the 35,000 ticket allotment and a lot more fans are just going to come to the area for the experience even if they can’t get into the game, the desire for a good, compelling matchup takes a backseat to the almighty dollar.

This bullshit happens every year but it’s beyond obvious this year. Let’s take a look at the non-National Championship BCS Bowl Game Matchups.

Fiesta Bowl - #3 Oklahoma State vs. #4 Stanford. Hey, they got it right. But I’ll give the Fiesta Bowl credit. They normally get it right, including matching up Boise State with Oklahoma a few years ago. (more on Boise in a minute)

Rose Bowl - #5 Oregon vs. #10 Wisconsin. As I said, Pac 12 Champs vs. Big 10 Champs…luckily, they’re both ranked in the top 10, otherwise, we’d get shit like…

Orange Bowl – #23 West Virginia vs. #15 Clemson. The Big East Champs against the ACC Champs. This might have been a decent matchup for the Gator Bowl, but the Orange Bowl? A BCS Bowl game?? Is it too much to ask that automatic bids like The Big East Champ going to the Orange Bowl come with a disclaimer that the team has to be in the top 15 or something?

Sugar Bowl – #13 Michigan vs. #11 Virginia Tech. I’m going on record and calling this the biggest fucking joke in the history of the BCS. Virginia Tech lost their conference championship game. Michigan didn’t even play in their conference championship game…but apparently, nowadays that qualifies you for a BCS Bowl berth (I’m looking at you, Alabama). What do Michigan and Virginia Tech have in common? Huge, rabid fan bases that will travel well. (cough, cough, dollars, cough)

Bonus Rant: Clemson beat Virginia Tech twice this year, but they find themselves 4 spots behind VT in the rankings. Clemson has one more loss, but other than playing Clemson twice (and losing both times), Virginia Tech played one…ONE ranked team all season, and that was #21 Georgia Tech, who isn’t ranked anymore.

I could go on all day about schedules, but let’s get back to the travesty at hand. You’ll notice that #6 Arkansas and #8 Kansas State aren’t in a BCS bowl…although they do square off in the Cotton Bowl – the other bowl besides the Fiesta that’s done a good job over the years producing quality matchups. But that leaves #7 Boise State and #9 South Carolina.

South Carolina gets to play Nebraska in the Capital One Bowl, which has long been viewed as a poor man’s BCS bowl game along with the Gator and Outback bowls. But who does #7 Boise State get to play after losing one game by the slimmest of margins to #18 TCU? Fucking Arizona State in the fucking Las Vegas Bowl.

The system is stacked in favor of the big conferences. Everyone knows this. Remember a couple of years ago when Boise St. and TCU were both ranked in the top 5 at the end of the year? Did they get to take on an SEC or Big-12 team to prove they belong with the big boys? No. They were forced to play each other.

And if a team from a seemingly lesser conference is in a position like Boise State or Southern Miss this year, they’re sentenced to a lesser bowl against a lesser team so when they beat the shit out of them, their dominant win will have a lesser meaning.

The current system is just a bunch of party planners. Where’s the NCAA in all of this? Shouldn’t they be guiding and steering these Bowl game selections to ensure the highest quality product possible? Shouldn’t it be about what happens on the field, and not what happens to the pockets of those involved?

The BCS is a hot girl who’s really shallow and only dates guys with lots of money. Of course, she says it’s not about money at all. She's in it for the right reasons! And the more regular guys hear this, the more they think they have a shot with her. Well, I for one, have no time for a shallow bitch with an inflated self-worth who only hangs out with deep-pocketed men.

In other words, why should I give a shit about the BCS?

Something Cool Happened on the Way to Baylor Beating Oklahoma

2011-11-21T14:01:00.000-06:00

We were in the bar on Saturday night. The Baylor/Oklahoma game was on. During the final drive, and shortly before the Baylor TD, the DJ in the pub we were in threw on Amazing Grace by the Dropkick Murphy's. What happened next was pretty f---ing cool.

Play the song. Once it gets to the :33 mark, play the video below (note: you might want to mute the video below so only the song is playing).

"hashtag boom"

Deconstructing the Christmas Card

2011-11-18T12:12:00.002-06:00

I believe in the single guy Christmas card.*

I also believe in not catching up with friends over the phone unless there's something to catch up about. And since I'm not married, not currently seeing anyone, don't have any kids that I know of (hey oh!) and don't have any pets, there just isn't a ton of worthy material to catch up on. (Man, that sounds depressing.)

I first sent a single guy Christmas card three years ago as part joke and part rebel with a cause. Think about it. Have you ever received a Christmas card from a single guy? I rest my case.

Soon-to-be four cards later, there are three distinct reasons I send a card every holiday season.
1) To entertain
2) To provide a glimpse of my year (in 3-4 pictures)
3) To let people know I'm still alive
And since it started as an anti-Christmas card, a subsequent goal is to show the awesomely awesome stuff that I've done that year as a taunting jab at the poor saps who are married with kids.

The first single guy card was just 4-5 pictures of me with a fun Seinfeld Festivus type line. Since then, I've kicked up the outrageous a notch, providing a hero image that the greeting corresponds to along with 3-4 pictures of yours truly.

For the second single guy card, I photoshopped a chalk outline of Santa's sleigh and reindeer on a sidewalk including dried blood stains along with a fun line about avoiding turbulence during the holiday season.

For the third single guy card, I pressed the photoshop button one more time. Piss spelled out "Happy Holidays" in the snow with a line about avoiding the yellow snow.

So where do I go next? Truth be told, I struggled with this question. But sometimes an idea comes out of nowhere when you least expect it. And if you're lucky, the idea will come with a visual. While I won't reveal what it is, I can say with certainty that this will be the most outrageous single guy Christmas card I've sent yet. Rated MA: for Mature Audiences only.

If you receive my single guy Christmas card this year, I won't be offended if you put it in a drawer instead of on the fridge. I will, however, be offended if it doesn't make you laugh. After all, that's the sole intention of the single guy Christmas card.

Happy Holidays!

*It's not a holiday card. It's a fucking Christmas card.

An Ode to Bourbon Street

2011-11-11T09:58:00.000-06:00

French Quarter down on Bourbon Street
The greatest collection of sinners elite.
Where glorious absence of morality's found
Even the uptight can't resist getting down.

Walking down the street, strangers you meet
Slurring and blurring put both sexes in heat.

"Tits and whiskey" a handwritten sign reads
With dancers who tease from this den of misdeeds.
Look away, turn away, working women are trouble
Peddling their agenda with a message not subtle.

Even with a frown they'll try to force shots down
Hoping clowns in gowns with alcohol will drown.

Two 190 Octanes and the night is still young
Sidestepping horse shit, looking for fun.
A great Bloody Mary puts me under a spell
What? This is a gay bar?!? Huh. Oh well.

After 40 hours of mayhem, a tetanus shot awaits
The filth I could no longer tolerate.
My time in this scandalous playground complete
Oh, I can't wait to return to Bourbon Street.

Quick, I need 20 cc's of Jello Shots stat!

The big glass is RBV. I'm lucky to be alive.

Bourbon Street!

Jackson Square, I do believe (it's not all booze).

I almost bought this shirt.

But I bought this one instead.

Another shot of Jackson Square.

Cemetery...that closes at 3. Boooo!

Only in New Orleans.

Ending like we started. Jello Shots!

Jersey Shore: The Modern Day Brady Bunch

2011-10-21T14:31:00.001-05:00

The season finale of Jersey Shore was so boring I found myself thinking of other things while I was watching it. (full disclosure: I'm not a big fan of most reality shows today, but I've been in on Jersey Shore since the beginning. It's the apex of train wreck TV. All the character flaws and personality deficiencies are there. Most importantly, I get the joke...we're supposed to laugh at them, not with them.) Lounging around watching this train go off its crazy tracks last night, I suddenly realized something awesome and devastating. And that awesomely devastating thing is this: Jersey Shore is the modern day Brady Bunch. Let's take a look and see if I'm crazy.

Vinny would be Greg. Ironically, the youngest guy on the show has proven that he's the most mature. And he has a special bond with the show's Peter, played by Pauly D.

Pauly D is Peter if only because with everything else that goes on, he's not outrageous enough in his actions to stand out. Just like a middle child, he can fade into the background of the show's insanity from time to time. And if Pauly D has told us anything about Pauly D it's that Pauly D doesn't like drama.

The Situation is Bobby. He acts like a self-centered kid that everyone loves picking on. The other people in the house have gone to the point of trying to avoid him. They think he's a drag. And that's how the older siblings often view the youngest brother.

On the girl's side, JWoww would be Marsha. First of all, she's the most attractive chick in the house, even if everything about her physical appearance is fake. Secondly, she's extremely popular within the house, the one female that all of the roommates can count on and turn to.

I'm going to the show's origins to find our Jan, primarily because Deena is just a poor-woman's version of Snooki. Therefore, Angelina would be Jan. No one likes Jan. She acts out. Throws tantrums. Unlike Peter, Jan is a middle child who raises holy hell (as much holy hell as you can raise on The Brady Bunch).

Snooki is immature and dumb, so she's obviously Cindy. Ironically, Snooki and Cindy are the same height.

Now, I know you're probably thinking that I've left Ron and Sam to be Mike and Carol Brady. Wrong. This is Jersey Shore. You can't have any responsible adults around. Sam would be Alice and Ron would be Sam, Alice's boyfriend who's a butcher. Why? Because those two are just around, and the show could easily survive without them. Seriously, MTV, feel free to never bring back Ron and Sam. Or spin them off into their own show. Whatever. Just please ensure that I never have to watch these two idiots interact again.

TV entertainment has been slowly building a crevasse of crap we call "reality" for some time now. And that crevasse just keeps getting wider and bigger. The peak of putrid perfection has culminated with Jersey Shore. We as an audience drove our entertainment to these fake-tanned extremes. It's the show we deserve. And sadly, it appears to be the show we want. God help us.

It's the economy, stupid!

2011-10-06T19:38:00.000-05:00

The stupid I'm referring to, of course, is Congress. The only thing these jackasses could work together on these days is giving themselves a raise. Granted, they all agree that the economy sucks right now. But that doesn't mean they're about to do anything about it. Therefore, I thought I'd return to the blogosphere with a rather long post, trying to tackle a huge issue. So here are two ideas that would help the economy but unfortunately, make too much sense to ever be implemented. Buckle up.

Hold on. Unbuckle yourself for a second. First thing's first. Since Congress is a bigger clusterf--- than the Kardashian house, I have one simple rule. These ideas are in a vacuum. Meaning, in a perfect world, I'm President and I have the power to enact whatever I want (within reason). Whether by Executive Order or simply directing the Fed to do certain things, I'm basically taking a detour around that big pile of shit we call Congress. Alright. Go ahead and re-buckle up.

1) Infrastructure Bank
Here's an idea that's actually been around Washington for a few years - and has gotten bipartisan support...which shows just how f---ed up Congress is. Here's how it works.

Basically, it's a government agency to help arrange financing for infrastructure projects using investments from private investors. Working through the I-Bank, the government would encourage private investment by providing cheap loans and loan guarantees. But it would fund only a fraction of the cost, just enough to attract private investors who would provide most of the financing.

Luckily, there's a model for this. California has been operating their own State Infrastructure Bank for 12 years now. It started in 1999 with an investment of $161 million from the state and has been used to help fund $32 billion in public works projects. And its bonds have a AA+ rating, the same as U.S. Treasuries.

We're living in the 21st century with infrastructure from the mid-20th. The best way to put people to work is with a giant public works project. We can update and modernize our crumbling infrastructure while creating a shit ton of manufacturing and labor jobs; good jobs for the middle class, which is all done at an extremely small expense to taxpayers. And when all is said and done, we actually have something to show for it.

While I'm here, let me go one step further. I would create an exception or somehow include Green Jobs in this infrastructure bank. It would encourage private investment towards green energy jobs. Building wind turbines? Yep. Installing solar panels? Double yep. Anything and everything you can think of.

This is the industry of the future, and the best way to take a huge step forward is with government investment...or at least government insuring private investment. Again, you're modernizing and creating a green economy, lowering the cost of energy, improving the environment for future generations and providing a shit ton of jobs. So there's idea #1 - Infrastructure Bank (+ Green Bank). On to the 2nd.

2) Student Loan Debt Relief
On Facebook the other day I hypothesized that I thought one of the best ways to get the economy going would be to forgive student loan debt. Needless to say, that got a lot of "Likes" on the old Facebook. Before you dismiss the idea, let me just rant for a second.

As of September 30, 2010, the total outstanding student loan debt in America was $763.4 billion. That amount sound roughly familiar? It should. TARP (when we infused money directly into banks) was $700 billion (Bush and Paulson) and the Stimulus was about $787 (Obama). Now, we're going to get most of the TARP money back, but about half of the stimulus was tax breaks, including a large chunk to the "Job Creators" (AKA - the rich).

(And by the way, if the "Job Creators" were really using lower tax rates and tax cuts to create jobs, I think we would have seen a lot of jobs created before 2008 since the Bush Tax Cuts provided some of the lowest income tax rates in the past 50 years. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...job creators my ass! But I digress.)

Part of the reason forgiving student loans is a good idea is that the price of college has gone up drastically in the past 10 years. And stop me if you've heard this one before: "if you want to get ahead in life, work hard and go to college." Well, the past 10 years has given us a population of college graduates who spent a ton of money they didn't have so they could get a good job thanks to higher education that would help them towards a prosperous future. But now they feel cheated because a bunch of swindling bastards treated the economy like a game and wrecked it for everyone else. (by the way, this is a view shared by a lot of the young Occupy Wall Street protesters)

OK, tell you what. Let's not forgive student loan debt completely. But let's do something else. Remember the Infrastructure Bank? Of course you do. Well, I'd set up something similar: a Student Loan Exchange for Refinancing (SLER).

Did you know the Fed right now can borrow money at a negative rate? Seriously! That means for every dollar they borrow, wherever they're borrowing from pays them a penny or two? So here's what you do. You borrow a ton of money; maybe not the full amount of $763 billion, but let's say the Fed takes out big chunks at a time. You set up a program where people with student loans can refinance with the government at an interest rate of 1%.

Now people don't have to worry about getting f---ed by any lender who randomly decides to increase their interest rates. More importantly, the extreme low rate helps significantly lower their payment in this tough economy. And oh by the way, the government is making a profit by borrowing this money at less than 0% and lending it out at 1%. For the love of God, everybody wins!

So those are my two ideas to help jump start the economy. You'll notice that I didn't touch the housing market. That's a bigger clusterf--- than Congress and requires a lot more thought. But while I'm all charged up, let me offer a bonus idea that really has nothing to do with getting the economy going. Remember, in this situation, I'm President and I can pretty much do what I want (within reason).

3) The Grim Reaper of Wall Street
This is simple. I appoint Eliot Spitzer special prosecutor in charge of investigating Wall Street and make sure he has a ton of power. Why? Because I want to make sure these bastards are making money, not stealing it...by either shady practices or causing artificial bubbles. Hopefully, he finds a lot of offenses that can bring huge fines, and maybe we can even restructure how these crooks steal (I mean "make") their money.

Wall Street needs a watchdog. And there's nobody more qualified or better suited than Eliot Spitzer. The two sides already hate each other. Even if it ends up just being symbolic, it's another move for the middle class. But alas, this is one more idea that makes too much sense.

Occupy Wall Street, feel free to use any of these in your list of demands. You're welcome.

A Blog Within a Blog

2011-10-05T19:32:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, my homeboy, Quinn, asked me to write a guest post to his blog. So yes, my linking to it feels like a weird kind of Inception scenario on the interweb, but I'm doing it anyway. It's called "The Grey's Anatomy Corollary" and yes, I know his blog is way cooler looking than mine.

Thanks, Quinn!

And to my faithful readers, (all 12 of you) I promise I'll have some new content soon.

Gone in 6 Seconds

2011-09-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

OK. Imagine you love the NFL. And because you love the NFL, you treat the first Sunday in the season like a national holiday. Now imagine it's last Sunday, the 10th anniversary of 9/11. But even with that somber tone floating over the day, you still wake up at 8:30 and can't fall back asleep. Why? Because the NFL is back! And now imagine there are 5 early games that you're really excited to see, so you head to Buffalo Wild Wings for a Bloody Mary, some wings, and perhaps THE best football setup around (complete with DirecTV Sunday Ticket and about 25 big screens). Now I want you to imagine getting to Buffalo Wild Wings only to discover that their satellites are freezing up, leaving everyone there without their precious plethora of football games.

This is the nightmare scenario I encountered Sunday. But luckily, the two local games were airing uninterrupted sans satellites. Of course, one of them was the shitty Jaguars/Titans game. Guh.

I walked in the bar at 11:45 to see that the majority of the TVs were on the "satellite is loading and configuring screen." I figured they must have had an issue earlier but no big deal. This is Buffalo Wild Wings, after all, and they've never let me down.

Fast forward to the middle of the first quarter and every TV with a satellite would take 15-20 minutes to load before finally showing some game action...for only 6 seconds...and then it would freeze up and start the agonizing cycle all over again. Needless to say, the look on my face was somewhere between a kid finding out his dog just died and being told there's no Santa.

Midway through the 2nd quarter, my partner-in-crime and I had had enough. We picked up and headed out on a journey to find a place where we can watch our beloved football. Surely, someone's DirectTV hookup was working. We hoped.

Salvation was found a couple miles down the road at Hooters. We walked in to the triumphant sights and sounds of ALL the games going at once. It was beauty to our eyes. And that was a good thing because our waitress's voice was ugly to my ears. Seriously, she had the most annoying voice ever. But I didn't care. I learned there's practically anything I'll put up with in order to watch my football.

And I also learned there isn't a problem boobs can't solve. Thanks, Hooters!

Mobile Beer Fest and Me

2011-08-28T15:47:00.001-05:00

First of all, allow me to apologize to my 12 regular readers for a lack of posts lately. While a lot's been going on, it's kind of been the same old shit, different day. But I'm also working on a side project that's been taking up a lot of my free time. I'll try to get out of this blog writing hibernation and back to posting on a semi-regular basis. With that said...

Saturday night was Beer Fest in downtown Mobile! For $25 you got a mug and access to sample 3 beers at about 30 bars throughout downtown. Of course, Beer Fest technically only lasts 3 hours, so everyone is efficiently drinking as much as they can. It's quite the entertaining shit show. I'm going to try and rehash the highlights and low lights by giving a "mugs up" or "mugs down" for certain aspects of the evening followed by a running diary consisting of my drunken tweets. Here's my review of Beer Fest.

Mugs Up: To the event organizers. It's quite a deviously ingenious idea to have the event from 6:00 - 9:00 pm, ensuring that all the participants will get hammered and then have plenty of time to stay downtown and drop a ton of money on additional drinks, food, etc. Smartly played, organizers. Smartly played.

Mugs Down: To the event organizers. So let me get this straight. We get 3 hours. And bars get the privilege of drunken fools invading their establishment for about 10-15 minutes at a time. This all happens on a Saturday in August, one of the hottest months of the year. And once people get hammered, they spill out onto the streets of downtown, where god only knows what can and will happen.

Allow me to make a suggestion or two. Move the thing to October and call it Octoberfest so the weather will be nicer. And forget downtown. I understand the thinking behind it, but it really should be on the waterfront. Put up a couple of ginormous tents with all the beer sampling done in those tents. Have some bands play with food stands around and have the event from 1:00 - 10:00. Contain it in one area; that way it will be easier to monitor and control. Again, it belongs on a waterfront, about a mile or two north of downtown. You know, that area of land that should be developed for waterfront activities, shopping, etc. but hasn't been. I will never understand the lack of a waterfront area in this town.

Mugs Up: To Veets. Perhaps the best layout for Beer Fest of any bar I visited. Once you walked in, They had 3 sampling windows to the left, leaving plenty of room so people could go in and out of the main entrance. Plus, they had a band playing at 6:00 which was a nice touch. Add in the fact that the Bay Bears Game girl (inside joke) was tending bar and I give my experience in Veets two drunken thumbs up.

Mugs Down: To Royal Scam. While I liked the beers they had, this was the Yin to Veets Yang. Their sampling area was back on their small covered patio, which would have been perfect, but have I mentioned it's August and hot as hell here? Plus, I know they want to leave their tables so some people will eat and everything, but it just made that area overly receptive to clogged masses of humanity. Let's move on.

Mugs Up: To Samurai J's. Nice beer selection (as least I thought so) and a nice small area at the front of their restaurant for the sampling to take place. However...

Mugs Down: To Samurai J's. You had to be a paying customer to use their bathroom, and then once you did use it, the ladies room was closed. But this raises a bigger point. As I quickly had a snack (it was the perfect time for it), the whole wait staff was irritated by the event and busy shooing people away from the restroom. If you're going to be a bunch of bitches about it, why take part in Brew Fest in the first place? Drop the attitude or drop your involvement.

Mugs Up: To the Gay Bars. They had some of the best beer selections to sample, and of course, during Beer Fest, all the bars are just bars. But speaking of the gay bars...

Mugs Up: To B-Bob's. Great bar setup (downstairs and upstairs) and they ended up having karaoke upstairs with only about a 3-4 song wait. Good times! This was easily the place where I had the most fun. Of course, a big part of that was probably due to the fact that our group got fractured and separated throughout the night and somehow, someway, everyone ended up showing up at B-Bob's at around the same time. Speaking of which (part 2)...

Mugs Up: To Brett and his wife Jessica. They were celebrating their anniversary Saturday night, and after dinner decided to come out downtown and join the fun. I turned around after being in B-Bob's for 5 minutes to discover Brett standing behind me. Good times! If only Oasis would have been playing.

Mugs Up: To me dominating Wicked Game karaoke-style at B-Bob's despite being at the apex of my hammeredness. Of course, being hammered I could have just thought that I was dominant on the mic. No idea.

Mugs Down: To me singing Wicked Game in a gay bar that only two weeks ago held a "Bear Competition."

Mugs Down: To Forrest Griffin. I got separated from my group at the end of the event and found myself in my favorite bar, O'Daly's...which happened to be showing the UFC pay-per-view from Brazil. MMA star Forrest Griffin was taking on Shogun Hua in a highly anticipated rematch. I was all set to watch the entire 3 round bout before moving on to rendezvous with some friends down the street. But the match only lasted about a minute as Shogun absolutely destroyed Griffin.

No flash? No picture.

Mugs Up: To me again. For taking the time to hang out until I was sure I was cool to drive.

Mugs Up: To the officer who checked my license and insurance at the downtown checkpoint and let me go on my marry way.

Mugs Down: To the camera in my phone for not having a flash (at least that I know about).

Mugs Up: To Kill Bill Vol. 2...which was on AMC when I got home.

Mugs Up: To my general lack of a hangover today. This is what happens when you hit it hard for a short time and then chug waters and eat food for the rest of the night.

Mugs Neutral: To me. For not getting any digits last night. But that's about par for the course whether Brew Fest or no Brew Fest.

And my timeframe via Twitter throughout the night:

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Mentally (and physically) preparing myself for Beer Fest in Mobile. T minus 56 minutes... #MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Running late. 10 min of drinking missed. #MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Me without my forward flowing hair & polo shirt. #mubble #MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Just hit some nagiri at Samurai J's. They were big time douches regarding their bathrooms.

#MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

lockerz.com/s/133516719 Best pour of the night. #Rollins #MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Just crushed Wicked Game at B'Bobs. Hammed. #MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Bo Roberts lost my mug. Luckily, there's only 15 min left of #MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Leaving B-Bobs the door guy tells me to throw my glass away...which was a water glass full of ice. Fuck B-Bobs! #MoBeerFest

ewertz Nick Ewertz

Checkers! 4th meal of champions. #MoBeerFest

The Great Winn-Dixie Milk Conspiracy of 2011

2011-08-09T20:07:00.000-05:00

For those who don't know, Winn-Dixie is a big grocery chain down here in the South (like Safeway or Cub Foods). I'm not a huge fan but there's one on my way home from work if I drive through town; the only grocery store on my way home so I'll stop about once every couple of weeks for milk, cottage cheese, lettuce and things of the like, normally spending between $10 - $20 a stop.

For a while now I've had a theory that the milk from Winn-Dixie goes sour faster than other milks. This theory was given increased credence a couple of months ago when I was at the Publix in Daphne picking up a few things, including milk. I love Publix, by the way. If it was closer, I'd shop there all the time. Anyway, the milk I bought at Publix lasted a good week and a half, almost two weeks, far longer than the Winn-Dixie milk. And the final piece to this puzzle was provided Tuesday after work.

I stopped by on my way home to grab the usual array of milk products. I then laid the plastic half gallon jug down on the front floor of my car so I could blow A/C on it more easily. When I got home, I saw that some milk had leaked out. It was not a tiny amount.

So...the milk spoils faster than milk purchased at other grocery stores and after buying it, without ever opening it, the top isn't secure enough to prevent milk from leaking. I'm on to you Winn-Dixie! You and your faulty milk container tops that help spoil the milk faster, causing people to buy milk more often is a nice little scam. Well, f--- you!

Where's Aaron Sorkin When You Need Him?

2011-07-29T14:04:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd take a quick 5 minutes of my lunch break to try and solve the Debt Limit Crisis in Washington. As we all know by now, Congress is like a 4 year old kid running around with a bucket over its head. Both sides - while apparently only $400 Billion apart - can't seem to reach any kind of compromise. Because, well, you just can't compromise with people who don't want to compromise. That reminds me of a new joke I just made up. Did you hear the one about the 5 year-old kid who refused to leave the playground by shouting "No, no, no!"?? His mother looked at him and said, "Saying no all the time will get you nowhere." Her son responded, "Actually, I can become a Tea Party Caucus Republican in the U.S. House of Representatives." Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.

If I'm John Boehner, here's what I do. As of Thursday night, I currently don't have the votes thanks to these Freshmen Tea Party Caucus Republicans. I can't move the bill to the right to win the their vote in the House, because the bill will just get killed in the Senate. So I make a deal with the Democrats and move the bill to the left, which in this case, is still to the right of the middle. Look, the other 107 times the debt ceiling was raised, it was just a simple vote with nothing was attached to it. In essence, this vote is only important because of how late it's happening. So you use it as an example to the Republicans refusing to support it.

You make a deal with the reasonable Republicans and most of the Democrats and pass the bill. Then you march into the Tea Party Caucus and say, "This isn't Talk News. Here you can't have it your way all the time. Governing is about prioritizing. Governing is sometimes about doing something you don't want to do but it's for the good of the country. Either get that through your thick heads and get your asses in line, or we'll continue making deals with the Democrats, effectively cutting you out of the process."

Sounds like a plot to an episode of The West Wing.

The Harry Potter Finale's Shitty Previews

2011-07-16T01:35:00.000-05:00

I'm a huge movie trailer nerd. Can't get enough of 'em. I attended the opening night (Friday) show of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows: Part 2. If there is a "movie event" this summer, this is it. So I was looking forward to not just the movie itself but what was sure to be a murderer's row of excellent previews. After all, wouldn't Warner Bros. stack trailers for their most highly anticipated movies in the near future? And since the teaser trailer for next summer's Batman movie (a Warner Bros. franchise) was leaked briefly on the internet a few days ago, I figured we would for sure see that. Well, I was wrong.

There were four previews for the movie and I'm going to tell you what they are. These aren't spoilers at all. Instead of something brand new and exciting, we were forced to sit through the same shitty previews for 1) Captain America 2) Cowboys vs. Aliens 3) Real Steel and finally 4) Rise of the Planet of the Apes that we've seen for weeks. I'd rather watch someone take a shit in a box than watch any of these movies. But why did Warner Bros. litter the screen with this crap? Well, I have a theory.

I have no idea how the world of trailers and previews in the theaters works. I guess, however, you as the studio...this being Warner Bros. in my example, have 2 options. You can put some of your own movies in there for free, or you can sell the slots to other studios to plug their movies instead. If this is how it works, then it's obvious that Warner Bros. took the money and ran.

It fits with the attitude of present day Hollywood...which is all about the bottom line. That's why this summer's slate of movies is a bunch of relaunched, re-calibrated sequels and franchises full of super heroes and familiar characters. And the studios of the 4 movies featured would gladly fork over a ton of money to be prominently featured during opening weekend of the Harry Potter finale, because again, it's the summer's one must-see event. And that's that.

Now with the mystery solved, let me play studio head...

Here's what I do if I'm showing 4 previews to this film. I show 2 movies that my studio has done, preferably one movie that's coming out this fall or winter around the holidays and then something next summer. Then I pull a little deal that ties an extremely small percentage of money grossed for other studios' films and show two previews of highly anticipated movies (I don't know if this can be done but whatever, it's my scenario). Since I don't know what's going to be showing when, I'll use actual movies that I know about.

Trailer #1. Open with an exciting, well known movie franchise that has a good track record.

Trailer #2. Next is the Batman Teaser, a Warner Bros. movie. Sorry there's no link.

Trailer #3. Here's another studio's much hyped relaunch of an international sensation.

Trailer #4. And you end with a Warner Bros. movie not many people know about. *

And yes, I know that Trailer #4 is the only truly original movie of this set but if you're going to plug relaunches, plug the right ones. I mean, come on Hollywood, I'm not in the industry and I just put together a list of movies that would get me excited...which would carry right into the opening credits of the Harry Potter finale. Maybe it's just me, but I want people excited when the movie starts.

* If you're lazy or the links don't work for you, the movie previews I listed above are 1) Mission Impossible 4...2) The Dark Knight Rises...3) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo 4) Contagion.

A Challenge to Mitch McConnell

2011-07-15T00:28:00.001-05:00

Senator McConnell, you and I don't see eye to eye on many things. Practically anything really. I thought it was in extremely poor taste of you to claim that your single most important goal is to make Barack Obama a one term President. Classy. Never mind governing the country, taking care of our Veterans, making sure our elderly have the proper care they need or prosecuting the crooks on Wall Street who caused the financial crisis. It's been your priority to say "no" more often than a 5 year old refusing to leave a toy store.

But during these current debt ceiling negotiations, you sounded a different horn. You and every single Republican Senator (47 in all) have signed a petition urging passage of a Balanced Budget Amendment. And recently you keep coming back to this amendment during the debt ceiling talks saying that if the Democrats were really serious about the debt, they'd back this amendment.

Well, first of all, let me say that I think this is a good idea for the most part. So hey, there's something we actually agree on. But this brings me to my challenge. It's an idea I'm going to steal from Warren Buffet. And oh by the way, your Congress raised the debt limit 7 times when Bush was in office. Thanks for the consistency. Anyway, here's my challenge (via Warren Buffett)...

Attach this wrinkle to your Balanced Budget Amendment: if there's a deficit of more than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible for re-election.

So the question, Senator McConnell, is a simple one. How serious are YOU?

Lessons Learned During a Weekend in Portland

2011-07-07T22:39:00.000-05:00

I lived in Portland for three years. This past weekend I returned for the first time since I moved halfway across the country 9 months ago. While there, I learned some important lessons.

I learned that my friends are awesome. Whether letting me crash at their place, meeting me for drinks or planning a dinner party, they went out of their way to make me feel at home.

I learned that I'm not 19 anymore. It's extremely tough to party hearty two nights in a row after the age of 30. It's nearly impossible to do it for 3-4 nights in a row. This is what I was thinking about as I passed out around 11:30 Saturday night after drinking zero drops of alcohol that day. Speaking of booze...

I learned that when drinking non-dark beers for over 6 months, going back to dark beers can really kick your ass.

I learned that living in the South affords me a better opportunity to establish a tan by the 4th of July instead of starting one then.

I learned that my immune system is bipolar. I hardly ever get sick, but I think it has a tough time adapting to different climates. Or maybe it was the plane ride there; or hugging and shaking hands with 30+ people in 3 days; or maybe the lack of sleep the first 3 nights I was in town. Regardless, I woke up with a huge sore throat Saturday morning in Portland. Not good times.

I learned that Hank is an awesome cook.

I learned that it's easier to accept an up-sell at the rental car counter when you're tired as hell.

I learned that driving a rented Mustang is just a little different than driving my Kia Soul.

I learned that I can rock the v-neck shirts. Oh wait. I already knew that.

I learned that softball weddings are pretty cool...bordering on "Amazing."

I learned that if you dress up for a softball wedding in Portland, you might get made fun of.

I learned that 6 AM flights suck the big one. Oh wait. I already knew that as well.

I learned that the only way I can sleep on planes is by getting less than 2 hours of sleep, taking a Nyquil before boarding and purchasing one of those neck pillows.

Unfortunately, I also learned there's a good chance of drooling while sleeping on the plane.

Finally, I learned that as awesome and fun as it is to visit friends in a city that you used to live in, it also can be a little deflating. For some reason, when we move away, we assume that if we're not around, everything will stay the same. But that isn't the case. Life rolls on. So when we come visit, in a way, it's just confirmation that things will never be the same as you remembered in the good old days. Of course, that's not a bad thing. Just an excuse to come visit more often.

Driving (Crazy) in Mobile

2011-06-27T22:03:00.002-05:00

As I was driving home from work a couple weeks ago, some douche bag in a Scion cut me off about 3 miles from my home. Cutting me off didn't make him a douche bag. It was that for the next 3 miles - until I made the turn to my apartment complex, he kept slowing down and then as I tried to get around him, he would speed up. This went on a few times. Why, I have no idea. It was extremely weird. But unfortunately, this isn't the weirdest thing I've encountered on the roads of Mobile since I moved here a little more than 6 months ago.

For the record, I live down the Dauphin Island Parkway (DIP). For those not familiar with Mobile, it's like driving down MLK Jr. BLVD in any other city. I don't live in the ghetto, but I have to drive through the ghetto to get home. (by ghetto, I mean the crappier part of town...not the actual ghetto) So my location has allowed me to see a lot of interesting things on the road.

First, I've never witnessed so many cars missing their front end. And I don't just mean their bumper. I mean, their entire front end. I wish I had a picture, but I've been unable to snap any while I drive (safety first!). Imagine that from windshield to headlights is 5 feet. Now imagine the very front 12 inches of that is chopped off. It's like the mechanic looked at the owner and said, "If you want to save the car, you're going to have to lose the front end, starting here." (points to an inch in front of the tires) Kind of dangerous, if you ask me. Oh well. At least I've seen only 10 cars like that. Speaking of dangerous...

You know how most drivers turn their lights on when it becomes dusk out? Not here. More people drive with their lights off when the sun has completely gone down then anywhere I've ever been; almost to the point that I wonder if it's a cultural thing here in the South or something. It's like they're thinking, "These streetlights will light my way, so I don't need my lights." And oh by the way, this isn't just a DIP issue. I've witnessed this all over town.

Luckily, the cops are everywhere. Of course, they never pull anyone over. Seriously. I'm about 2 weeks away from conducting an experiment to see how fast I can drive before actually get pulled over for speeding. I've gone 10 miles over the limit a few times meeting cop cars going the other direction or even passing them. Granted, I'm guessing the Mobile police department has better things to do then pull over a speeder with out-of-state plates.

To close, I'd like to give a shout out to something having to do with cars but has nothing to do with driving. Shade. Of which there is none. Nothing like getting in your car to the cool inside temperature of 112. Mobile, I gotta admit. This is one area in which you're driving me crazy.

The Killing: My Season Finale Thoughts

2011-06-20T17:06:00.000-05:00

* Some quick thoughts of last night's finale...and I won't go into too much detail on things as other people more aptly qualified than me have done a great job of raising issues today.

** If you haven't watched the finale I'd give you a spoiler alert, but I really don't care at this point.

Looking back on the season finale of The Killing, I have to say that I really liked the episode as an “episode” but I absolutely hated it as a season finale. If they would have sprung this episode on us 3 or 4 weeks ago, I would have loved it. It would have captivated me to levels I’ve yet to reach during the show’s run. But alas, they did not.

The inherent problem (for me, at least) with the show (as I previously mentioned in this space) is the 4-5 episodes in the middle of the season, which will be forever be known as “The Bennet Ahmed” arc. That revealed no real character development, a further distraught and annoying – although unfair – Mitch Larsen, who I ended up not being able to stand at all. But what I got out of those episodes is that The Killing didn’t have enough good material to make 13 episodes, so they had to send everyone on a wild goose chase for a month in the middle.

Well, now their resolution to Season 1 is that I have to sit through more episodes to find out who killed Rosie Larsen? Please. In an interview with critic Alan Sepinwall on Hitfix.com, the show’s producer hinted that we’d get resolution at some point in Season 2 and that a new crime would be introduced as well. Of course, we have no idea when that will happen.

While I definitely think The Killing opened up some side-twists they can play with when they come back…Mitch leaving (seriously, I hate her even more now)…Stan dealing with that and a trial/possible prison time…Belko and what I’m sure will be a non-life-threatening gunshot wound to Richmond and of course, whatever Holder is up to…but if The Killing thinks they can get 10-12 episodes out of that while still trying to figure out who the killer is, I think they’ll lose much of their dwindling audience by episode 3 of Season 2.

In that interview with Sepinwall, the show’s producer also mentioned that they didn’t have any alternate endings for Season 1, meaning that if AMC didn’t renew it, we never would have gotten any closure at all. I think learning that pissed me off even more than feeling I’ve been teased by the allusion that a resolution was coming.

Hindsight being 20/20, I think The Killing should have taken The Walking Dead approach. Imagine if Season 1 would have been just 6 or even 8 episodes. You could have gotten to the meat of the issues and had plenty of time to really develop characters that matter in that time. Do that and I would have been 100% on board with how things were left in the cliffhanger on Sunday night.

Coming back for a 6-8 episode Season 2 following that cliffhanger would have had me on the edge of my seat. Instead, the thought of Season 2 has me shrugging my shoulders. Maybe I’ll be back. Maybe I won’t. But one thing’s for sure. I’m positive that Richmond didn’t do it.

The Age of Isolation

2011-06-14T23:29:00.000-05:00

I live alone; have for years. I enjoy going to movies by myself. Of my last 20 or so roundtrip flights, I think two weren't alone...and one of those was for work. I could go on, but I'll stop before my mother starts shaking her head. If this was 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago, I might think differently about it. Or even think about it at all. But I don't because we live in the age of isolation.

The advent of online social media, smartphones and countless other things have drastically made the world a smaller place. I can send picture mail messages to friends all over the country if I wanted to. I can text, call and email. And most importantly, I can passively keep up with everyone as much as I want.

Before Facebook and Twitter, staying current and interacting with your friends who are far away seemed like a chore. A fun chore, of course, like eating leftover brownie batter. But it required phone calls and emails...and sure, maybe you could send some pictures over email, but they tend to be viewed out of context. And when talking with distant friends, you had to visualize what the other person was talking about, and invariably, your conversations tended to drift back to reminiscing about shared times together.

Well, today, social media gives us a voyeuristic view into our friends' lives. If you want to see everything someone's up to, you have the ability to follow along as closely as you want (depending on their privacy settings). The problem of context is solved because now you have pictures and comments and everything else that paints an overall picture of your friend's life. Before, you were limited by the information you had to seek out. Today that information is at your fingertips.

Unfortunately, the age of isolation has a negative side. It's slowly eroding our interpersonal skills. Youth and the lazy among us are abandoning punctuation and grammar in an effort to communicate more quickly about nothing at all. And it's helped foster shorter and shorter attention spans, driving people's interest toward the proverbial "what else." Case in point, have you walked by a a couple of teenagers on a date? They're sitting at a table, right across from each other and they're both playing around on their phones the whole time, practically ignoring each other. Yes, the age of isolation is de-educating people at an alarming rate. We've never been more connected yet disconnected at the same time.

I've moved to 2 cities in the past 4 years where I didn't know a single person...except for the job that caused my move. My college clique is spread out all over the country and we hardly ever see each other. Ten years ago, these scenarios would probably have given me some pause and concern. But in today's society, I don't even give it a second thought. Because thanks to my smartphone (with social media capabilities) I'm never alone. Even when I am.

3 to See

2011-06-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

I've come across three movies that I feel obligated to tell you about and urge you to see. If, in fact, they seem to interest you. All three are different from the current boring, cookie cutter bullshit we've been getting from Hollywood recently. Two are out on video and one is still in the theaters. So let's take a brief look at 'em.

1) Get Low

Plot: An elderly reclusive hermit (Robert Duvall) in 1930's Tennessee throws a huge funeral party while he's still alive.

My 2 Cents: I don't know if this is Robert Duvall's finest role or the one he was born to play as some reviews said, but he's damned good in this film. It unfolds almost like a fun puzzle, and why not? No one in the town seems to know anything about this man...except an old flame played by Sissy Spacek. Bill Murray and Lucas Black play the two funeral parlor employees who help the hermit pull off this seemingly impossible extravaganza. All give outstanding performances and the pace of the movie is right on point. But the movie belongs to Duvall. We eventually learn the true motive behind his funeral party, and there we get a touching, elegant moment that is worth the buildup. Get Low is a throwback to the kind of movie Hollywood used to make in bunches before the popcorn nauseam of loud explosions and terrible dialogue started to rule the landscape.

2) Monsters

Plot: Six years ago, aliens crashed in an area of Mexico. Now, a cynical journalist must help a shaken American through the infected zone to the safety of the U.S. border.

My 2 Cents: This is unlike anything I've seen in the past year. And it's really hard to find a comparison. The trailer makes it look like a thriller, which I don't think it is. And a very slight comparison could be made to District 9 but I won't go there. It's a movie about discovery and about finding yourself in the midst of being lost. I can't say enough about Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able, the two stars of the movie. The chemistry they have is incredible, and I really could feel them bonding as the story progressed. The movie doesn't rely on any crazy special effects, because after all, they don't need them. The film is about the two characters and their journey. I liked the slow pace, as it helped show their hesitant struggle of a journey through unexpected territory, but I'm sure some people might find that it moves slow. In the end, it's an excellent premise and it's executed extremely well. I believe in and care for these two main characters almost from the start, which again, is a huge credit to both of the actors. This is storytelling at its best. Look, Jaws wasn't really about a shark. It was about people. And while Monsters certainly isn't Jaws, it's also about people...not Monsters.

3) Bridesmaids

Plot: Picked as her best friend's maid of honor, lovelorn and broke Annie looks to bluff her way through the expensive and bizarre rituals with an oddball group of bridesmaids.

My 2 Cents: Yes. I saw Bridesmaids in the theater. In my defense, I went with some female coworkers...but I was excited to see it nonetheless. It did remind me a lot of The Hangover - only with chicks. But this movie turned the chick flick on its side and then took turns slapping the shit out of it. Crude and sometimes gross, Bridesmaids took a good 20-30 minutes to get going for me. Not until "the fitting" did it really start to pick up steam. But from that moment on, it delivered. And then some. Unconventional and highly entertaining. I laughed my ass off in about 4-5 parts, which is saying something. And let me just say that Kristen Wiig delivers two of the best physically comedic scenes that I can remember. Oh, did I mention Jon Hamm plays a colossal douche bag? Good times! This is a movie that gives the chick flick category a much needed addition. And it proves that girls can be just as bad as boys.

My Killing of AMC's 'The Killing'

2011-05-24T22:57:00.000-05:00

* Warning: this may contains spoilers, so if you're not up-to-date on AMC's 'The Killing' you probably shouldn't read.

3-4 episodes in, I was a huge fan of The Killing. And for the record, I'm still a fan. I like the show. I think it's good. Only it's not great. And that bugs the hell out of me. I love AMC; and I love their original programming...and because of that, I want all of their shows to be great. And while it's nearly impossible to constantly catch lightning in a bottle, these are the unrealistic expectations I have for the network right now.

After an extremely terrific and promising first few episodes, it was with these heightened expectations that I've continued to watch. But over the past 2-4 weeks, I've found The Killing more frustrating than the final season of LOST. And here's the thing...I have no idea why. None.

Maybe it's the fact that I see too many similarities with the previous 1 season wonder, Rubicon. A show that started extremely strong with a lot of intrigue and mystery but started to fall flat in the middle, and when it came time to connect the dots, it fell perplexingly short.

Or maybe it's what I call the Rounders affect. The first time I saw Rounders, I knew halfway through that there was gonna be a big money game at the end. So a large chunk of the movie to me just felt like filling time until the penultimate scene towards the end. I definitely feel The Killing has drifted into this realm recently where the last 3 episodes feel like they're just killing time (sorry for the pun) before the dominoes start to fall. But still...that's not it.

Maybe it's the fact that it's raining constantly on the show...in a way that's not conducive to Seattle. Yes, it rains there but it's more cloudy than anything. And when it does rain, it's a drizzly mist...not a constant pour.

Of course, maybe it's the formulaic way that for about 6 straight weeks the show seemed to break an important lead during the end of an episode, only to have that lead disproved and abandoned in the first 10 minutes of the next episode.

But none of those reasons is why I'm frustrated. When I really think about it, the truth becomes clear. It all comes down to the characters.

There are only three characters on the show that I currently like. Rosie's father is tremendous. He's doing a terrific job of balancing all of his responsibilities with his grief and anger while trying to move on. (Of course, his increasingly insane wife helped to change that on Sunday) I enjoy Jamie, Richmond's 3rd in command. I think if Richmond was running the campaign Jamie wants, he'd probably be winning. And finally, there's Holder...the layered, somewhat creepy and green detective that Linden's breaking in.

It seems like everyone else is missing a bullshit meter...or at least part of their brain. Richmond is a huge pussy who's campaign is 50 times more stereotypical then the most pussified candidate. "I don't want to run a race that way, blah, blah, blah." And his 2nd in command? She's a huge bore who brings absolutely nothing to the table. Together, they have the charisma of Ben Stein.

The captain who oversees Holder and Linden is terrible. (So let me get this straight...he makes Linden stick around to work this missing girl case, even though she apparently has emotional issues with cases like this and thinks it's a great idea to pair her with a brand new detective transferring in from county. Plus, once it turns into a murder investigation, he thinks these two are the best team to solve the case? With no additional help?) It seems like he's more interested in throwing obstacles their way then helping them. He is by far my least favorite character. He serves no purpose. He's beyond terrible.

And then there's Linden. At least she finally stopped trying to leave town. But still, she's gone from seemingly smooth, calculated and having her shit together to overwhelmed, causing her to make what appear to be rookie-type mistakes. Like how she continues to talk to Rosie's mother. Look, I'm all for keeping her in the loop, but come on. It's like she's updating her on a missing cat. Whatever happened to the police telling the family that "we'll let you know when we have something for sure." And this brings me to probably my biggest problem...

Rosie's mother. In episodes 2-5, her character was tremendous. It was emotionally draining to see the life go out from under her and struggle with the loss. And it was just a terrific acting performance. But if her character isn't going to evolve past that at all, we don't need to keep seeing it do we? At least not as much as we have. I hated her character in this last episode. You knew she was going to see the teacher at the school...but her interaction with Linden at the police station (where she snuck up behind her in the hallway - is she free to just wander the halls there?) was just ridiculous. These characters are human and humans are flawed. I get that. But maybe instead of showing the mother crying and being catatonic and/or sadly complaining to Linden for the 35th time, we maybe peel back another clue to this mystery? Or is that too much to ask?

Look, I like the show. And I really hope it finishes strong and ties some stuff together in a really interesting way. After all, not all the dots need to connect, and there doesn't have to be a happy ending waiting at the end of the story. But I liked these characters a lot better about a month ago.

My criticism here is obviously subjective. It's my opinion. But it seems to me that the past 3-4 episodes have been used to just pass some time. I hope I'm wrong. I hope things improve. And I hope the characters find the missing parts of their brain.

Tornado in T-Town

2011-05-18T23:35:00.000-05:00

T-Town, for those of you who don't know, is Tuscaloosa, AL. I bring that up for the 3 people who will get an inside joke having to do with 'B-Town.' Last week I found myself riding through Tuscaloosa on a bus (for work) and came face-to-face with the devastation that a tornado did to part of the town. Below are some pictures I snapped from the bus. I'd invite you to check out this pretty incredible video. It starts to get especially insane around the 3:00 mark. And I'd also invite you to donate to the Red Cross by visiting their website or texting the word REDCROSS to 90999.

In the News

2011-05-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

It seems like it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything having to do with public policy and/or current events. Recently there were a couple of news stories that I think could have a profound impact on the general course of our country for many years to come. There’s a good chance, however, that they fell through the cracks so I wanted to take just a couple of minutes and call attention to them and what they could mean.

1) Manufacturing – The Comback Kid

If you haven’t been reading this blog for long, I did a series of posts starting last August entitled DOA – the Death of America (as we know it). It pointed out three huge problems that I saw that were slowly eating away at the foundation of our country; along with some possible solutions. Well, in that series I touched on the ‘bigger is better’ philosophy and the drive for the almighty dollar by big, huge corporations. This leads to doing whatever’s possible to maximize profits like cutting the domestic workforce which, of course, drains our middle class of manufacturing jobs and puts people out of work who have used a niche skillset for 20+ years. This is not good, I argued. (I know. Thanks, Capt. Obvious.)

Well, something strange happened as I was checking news stories around the interweb the other day. I came across this article. Basically, it’s a positive effect of globalization. The cheap labor companies used to rely on in the 3^rd world is slowly becoming more costly. This is good news for the U.S. in general, but it’s especially great news for our manufacturing sector. Sure, it won’t happen overnight, but hopefully it’ll lead to a lot more headlines like this one in the coming years. And if it does, combining it with an investment in green energy might just get our manufacturing sector back.

2) Vermont = Single Payer Health System
Don’t look now, but Vermont is about to pass some legislation to setup the framework for a single payer health care system in their state. I’m not even going to try and explain this, so if you’re interested in reading the details, Ezra Klein interviewed a dude who knows all about the legislation.

He touches on it in the interview, but this is important because if Vermont can make this work, that sets up a blueprint that other states can follow. And one of the closest things that will be watched is how much it helps control and lower costs. After all, one big reason our healthcare costs are so high in this country is because of administration overhead. And a single payer system is specifically designed to reduce that. Did you know that paperwork accounts for close to a 20% of our excessive healthcare spending as this awesome graph points out (you’ll need to scroll down a bit)?

These are two small stories that could turn out to be a big deal. While we’re busy going over the bin Laden raid tidbits like the Zapruder film (understandable), freaking out about rising gas prices (very understandble) and having to hear about which Republicans may or may not run for President, some important groundwork has been laid. And the effects could be ginormous. In a few short years, we could be looking at a strengthened manufacturing sector and a dozen states that have moved to a single payer healthcare system if a bunch of dominos fall. And that’s great news for the middle class.

Now if we could just do something about the wealth gap in this country...

I Survived Mullet Toss 2011

2011-05-06T00:10:00.001-05:00

“You’re about to enter another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of rednecks. A journey into a wondrous land of butt cracks and farmer’s tans. You’re about to enter, the Mullet Toss Zone!”

John is a picture of preparation.

Remember that episode of South Park where Cartman laughs so much he shorts out his funny bone (or something). He’s unable to laugh. Being a people watcher, I think I found the equivalent of that this past weekend. And in the world of people watching, it’s Xanadu sprinkled with milk and honey. Actually, make that milk and honeys.

I’m talking about Mullet Toss. What’s Mullet Toss, you ask? It’s only a large redneck tailgate beach party held on the Gulf of Mexico where Alabama and Florida meet. For an in-depth education on the festivities, check out the video attached to this New York Times article. But basically, it’s just a big beach party where people gather to toss a mullet (the fish, not the hair) across the state line.

Corona shot of the 'Toss' area.

Since this was my first ever Mullet Toss experience, I thought I’d due the public a service by providing a Guide to Your 1^st Mullet Toss. So here’s some not quite life-altering advice for an almost life-altering weekend on the Redneck Riviera set to Jeff Foxworthy “you might be a redneck” isms.

You might be a redneck if…

You own a home that’s mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.

Rent a condo. Within walking distance of the Flora-Bama. Just do it. The parking gets insane. Cars get backed up forever. It’s just way, way easier. Plus, you’re not relegated to bringing every single thing with you. With the condo nearby, you can always run back and grab something…or take a nap if need be.

Action shot. Toss that mullet!

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Yeah. Drinking goes on there. A lot of it. But I have to say, even though the weather was perfect, it didn’t seem to get too out of control. I didn’t see any fights and only a couple of drunks who could hardly walk. Of course, we left the beach around 5:30.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-In Theater.

Bring tunes. Or don’t. There were about 40 different sound systems hooked up and dropping beats within 100 feet of us. There were professional speakers on stands; there were coolers with speakers (nice speakers, too). It was like a battlefield of sound systems. The music blended together worse than the flavors in OK Soda back in the day. Speakers were everywhere. Almost as prevalent as…

You view the family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

3 words: Hot chicks. Everywhere.

You’ve ever financed a tattoo.

Bring cash. The Flora-Bama only takes cash. Although you can use a card to buy your “membership” to get in. While we’re here, ‘Bushwackers’ are a popular drink choice. I have no idea what’s in them but they’ll get you to where you want to be…but you’ll have to call a cab to get back. (I swear that made sense when I thought of it)

You have more than 3 shirts with cutoff sleeves.

Again, if you love people watching, this is your place. Not only are there mullets, strange swimwear (to say the least) and God knows what, but there’s a loose understanding of how to properly apply sunscreen. So if you’re there on Saturday or Sunday, you will definitely see some postmodern art on peoples’ bodies in the form of sunburn patterns.

Can't beat a real mullet at mullet toss!

Birds are attracted to your beard.

I might as well mention overall hygiene and the loss of etiquette and sophistication displayed by about 20-30% of people. Look, you’re going out in public, please clean yourself up. And please wear body-type appropriate swimwear. These are the things you want to take a picture of but can’t stop dry heaving long enough to do.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

Mullet Toss is the only place where boob lovers utter the words, “Those fake tits are disgusting.”

You think Beef Jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

Remember to eat. This falls under the drinking all day gameplan. Luckily, there’s a couple of food stands right on the beach where you can buy the best tasting hamburgers, hot dogs or pulled pork sandwiches for hugely inflated prices. (And by best tasting, I mean the kind of best tasting like when you think toothpaste tastes delicious at 2:00 am because you’re hammered).

USA! USA! USA!

You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Pace your drinking…which also falls under the drinking all day gameplan. If you go too hard you could get sick or worse yet, you could pass out at 3:00 pm. And you don’t want that. Because that’s when the crazy fun starts. Everyone’s been there awhile, in the sun, drinking. Case in point…within 5 minutes at 4:00 o’clock I saw Hershey Syrup wrestling and then dudes wearing USA briefs (and oh by the way, I bet if those guys don’t wear those USA briefs, the Navy SEALS don’t kill bin Laden the next day).

You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.

Hydrate – the final piece to the drinking all day puzzle. This is especially important out in the sun. Make sure you drink some water…but steer clear of the yellow water.

Hershey Syrup Wrestling!

You see no need to stop at a rest area ‘cause you have an empty milk jug.

No portajohns. And the only restrooms are inside the Flora-Bama bar, which usually has a huge line. So I’ll let your imagination tell you where people go to take a piss.

You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave ‘em in the shade.

Another really important thing you’ll want is some shade. So bring a large beach umbrella or something that will shade you from the sun for moments at a time. Yes, the sun is your friend. Until it isn’t. And it’ll be tough to hit on chicks later in the night when you’re charred to a crisp.

You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

Maybe it’s just me fellas, but two dudes in a bar looking over the crowd trying to find their next ‘victim’ to hit on is creepy. Now imagine a group of 6 dudes doing that at the beach. Yeah. So be sure to bring some female friends.

Because 1 pic isn't enough.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

This final tip might be the most underrated one. Be sure to bring something that enables you to interact with passersby. Our group had 2 things. There was a kiddie pool that we filled up with water when we got there, and by 1:00 pm, everyone who passed by was telling us what a great idea it was. And we also had Jell-o shots on sale for $1 (with proceeds going to the Red Cross for AL Tornado Relief…seriously). Other people had beer pong set up. There was a guy just mixing drinks for free. Find something and roll with it. It’ll make meeting people so much easier, especially in the afternoon.

They start 'em off young down here.

So there you have it. If you follow these not-so-life-altering tips, your first Mullet Toss could be a somewhat life-altering experience. It is the Xanadu of people watching. It’s a redneck tailgate beach party with the largest concentration of hot chicks I’ve ever been around. And oh by the way, if you’re the kind of guy who has the nack of every girl you meet somehow having a boyfriend, then you’re in luck. You’ll find plenty of that at Mullet Toss.

5 Movies for Under 25

2011-04-26T23:33:00.001-05:00

Let's just call this what it is. My response to the steaming pile of shit Hollywood has forced down our throats over the past few years (with a few exceptions, obviously). In their blind pursuit of the almighty dollar, big studios now seem to pump out 'franchises' for established returns. So while I was at the theater this weekend seeing Hanna (pretty good, by the way), I hatched this idea the minute the trailer for Fast Five started to roll (seriously, how many fucking Fast and Furious movies does this make?).

Thanks to the oversaturation of media the average 25 year-old deals with, there's a good chance they haven't seen a slew of excellent movies that came out around the time they were born. So let's attempt to remedy that, shall we? I'm going to give you 5 movies that are over 20 years old that I feel are severely underrated in one way or another. And in my opinion, they're way better than whatever new giant turd Michael Bay is currently working on. So let's take a look at 5 movies someone under 25 probably hasn't seen but should.

Real Genius (1985) - Starring Val Kilmer and Gabriel Jarret

Full disclosure: this first choice is a little personal. This was originally going to be Just One of the Guys but I learned that Real Genius might be getting remade with a tentative release date sometime in 2013 (proving my point about Hollywood). Well, that infuriated me, so I swapped out one underrated 80's movie for another.
Story in 1 Sentence: Young geniuses unwittingly help develop a secret government laser while at college.
Why You Should See It: Outside of Doc Holliday, this is by far Val Kilmer's best performance. And he's hilarious in it. Sure, the movie's a little corny and ridiculous, but then again, so were the 80's.
Well-Known Part: The popcorn. It's at the end, but I don't want to give anything away. That moment is set to Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears. Pure 80's.
Defining Moment: There really isn't one, so I'll go with every moment Val Kilmer is on screen.
The Awesome Sauce: To quote Andy Dwyer on Parks & Rec, "that's what makes the sauce so awesome." The Awesome Sauce here is William Atherton, a "that guy" hall of famer. You might remember him as the 'dickless' EPA douche who shutdown the grid in Ghostbusters. Here he plays, you guessed it, an evil douche. Yet another reason why if you're looking for a quintessentially 80's movie, you can't beat Real Genius. Which is why Hollywood should leave it the fuck alone! But I digress. Let's just move on.

The Money Pit (1986) - Starring Tom Hanks and Shelley Long
Story in 1 Sentence: Young unmarried couple buys a dream house that turns out to be anything but a dream.

Why You Should See it: The physical comedy is on a whole 'nother level. Tom Hanks has been such a good dramatic actor for so long that we forget how gifted he was comedically back in the day.
Well-Known Part: The scaffolding scene. Starts at the :40 mark of this crappy clip.
Defining Moment: All the running gags. From everyone working on the house saying it'll take "2 weeks" to finish to every new person who comes by asking, "are you testing missiles?"
The Awesome Sauce: 2 different flavors. 1) Maureen Stapleton as the old lady who sells them the house. She's tremendous..."I'm trying to save some money for the blood sucking lawyers." And 2) Alexander Godunov. Who's he? Well, he's the long-haired blonde bad guy from Die Hard. Here he plays Shelley Long's ex-boyfriend and maestro/conductor of her symphony. A hilariously pompous yet lovably arrogant performance.

All the President's Men (1976) - Starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford
Story in 1 Sentence: Woodward and Bernstein's Watergate story.
Why You Should See it: It was nominated for 8 Oscars. But more than anything, it's an important piece of Americana superbly told and acted.

Well-Known Part: Probably anytime Deep Throat appears...played awesomely by Hal Holbrook.
Defining Moment: Jason Robards won the best supporting Oscar for playing Ben Bradlee, Woodward and Bernstein's boss. Towards the very end, Woodward and Bernstein wake him up at his house and tell him where they are. The ensuing response from Robards is beyond outstanding and what I'm sure won him the Oscar. But I don't want to spoil that, so I'll give you a little taste of Robards...and the movie, in general, with this clip.
The Awesome Sauce: The simple answer here would be the acting. But I'll say that it's really awesome watching this movie now, in the age of the internet and cell phones. Watching these guys track down this information and break this story is truly remarkable. And the journalistic integrity that was alive and well back then is almost a foreign concept today. (more on this later)

Midnight Run (1988) - Starring Robert De Niro and Charles Grodin

In my opinion, the 2nd most underrated movie of the past 25 years.
Story in 1 Sentence: An ex-cop bounty hunter needs to get the mob's former accountant to L.A. by Friday night at midnight (4 days) for a big payday.

Why You Should See it: 2 words. De Niro. He's awesome in this. He's got that salt of the Earth integrity, straight-shooter with a quick wit and faster tongue kind of thing going on. And the dialogue between him and Grodin is tremendous. Actually, when I think about it, this movie flawlessly (well, almost flawlessly) pulls off what every action comedy today aspires to be.
Well-Known Part: "Serrano's got the disks! Serrano's got the disks!" But I don't want to give anything away.
Defining Moment: I could choose all the F Bombs dropped throughout the movie. I could go with the very end. I could even go with all the smoking in public places (like buses and planes) but I'm going to pick a really subtle moment. About 20 minutes in, De Niro picks the wallet of an FBI agent, and as he walks away, he flashes back to the camera and gives a very sarcastic, over-the-top action movie flash of the badge. And honestly, that serious yet playfully fun moment defines the whole movie for me.
The Awesome Sauce: Joe Pantoliano, the ultimate "that guy" plays a prominent role in this movie. Seriously, take a look at all the shit he's been in over the years...Risky Business, The Goonies, both Bad Boys movies, The Sopranos, Memento, The Fugitive and The Matrix. That's a murderer's row. Oh, and Dennis Farina is frickin' great in it too. It's just an almost perfectly executed action comedy with all the actors firing on all cylinders. And it'd be my pick for the most underrated movie of the past 25 years if it wasn't for...

Broadcast News (1987) - Starring William Hurt, Albert Brooks and Holly Hunter
Story in 1 Sentence: It's the story of their lives. Sorry. Stole that from the movie's tag back in the day. Basically, Holly Hunter and Albert Brooks are brilliantly driven yet neurotic and insecure, and they struggle to accept William Hurt's character, who they feel is severely underqualified for the job he just landed with their news organization.

Why You Should See it: It was nominated for 7 Oscars, and all three of the main actors received nominations. The acting and overall story is utterly fantastic. Getting back to a point I touched on during All the President's Men, Broadcast News also is built around a different era of journalism. Part of what makes this movie great is that it foreshadows the change in news culture. Jane and Aaron represent the old guard of hard news, facts, facts, facts while Tom represents the new guard, more accepting of soft news while incorporating emotion and opinion. In the end, I would say the main characters in this movie are in the pursuit of perfection...looking for that perfect story; executing the perfect newscast; trying to perfect their lives that are so seemingly imperfect.
Well-Known Part: By far it's Joan Cusack running the tape to the control room.
Defining Moment: When a breaking news story occurs, Tom is given the opportunity to anchor the segment over Aaron, and thus begins what might be as close to a perfect 15 minute stretch as you will ever see. As Jane and Tom prepare at the office, Aaron starts drinking at home. And the back-and-forth between the two settings up and through the news break is absolutely tremendous.
The Awesome Sauce: Jack Nicholson (uncredited and unpaid) plays the role of the lead network anchor, a pompous, arrogant SOB that everyone has to suck up to. Beyond that, if you add up the performances, the awesome material, the transitional time period of news culture as well as a love story that's pretty damn accurate (a woman is a way better fit for her best friend - who has feelings for her...but she falls for the charming guy who's professional conduct she despises) and it truly is the most underrated movie of the past 25 years, in my opinion. And while I'm here, Holly Hunter should've won her Oscar for this role and not for that piece of shit movie, The Piano.

The Mobile Bubble

2011-04-19T08:12:00.001-05:00

I'm a people watcher. Always have been. There's something I find fascinating about the social norms, characteristics, and traits of people interacting. Invariably, I tend to form opinions and analysis regarding things that I see over time; especially if patterns emerge. Well, I recently discovered a social phenomenon called the Mobile Bubble. Or as I call it...The Mubble.

The Research. My sample size, while certainly big enough, is relatively small (about 50 people). I've relied on observational accounts (my own and others), personal experience (my own and others) and over the past 3-4 weeks, a set of three questions were posed to people I met who fit the profile: 1) What are your ties to Mobile? 2) What do you think of the city? 3) Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years? We'll come back to these later.

The Profile. While it could technically encompass any age range, The Mubble lives and breathes in the 21-35 range. And while it can reach into all aspects of life, The Mubble is on full display in social settings. Like any unofficial social group, there's really no way of knowing The Mubble's population. But it goes without saying that while everyone in The Mubble is Mobilian, not all Mobilians are in The Mubble.

It's comprised of 3 tiers. And it helps to examine each one through the looking glass of a high school clique.

Tier 1 - Assimilators. These are transplants, plain and simple. They could have moved here with their parents when they were young or later in their 20's. They could come from nearby rural areas or halfway across the country. It really doesn't matter.

What does matter is that Assimilators aren't originally from Mobile. They don't have any family roots here prior to arriving. In the process of fitting in, if Assimilators hang out with people in The Mubble, it becomes easier for them to become converts. And if that's the case, there's a decent chance they can move up to the next tier.

Tier 2 - Veterans. If Assimilators are people standing outside of a club waiting to get in, then Veterans are the people who are on 'the list.' They can be former Assimilators or they can be people who've lived in Mobile their entire life. Regardless, here's where The Mubble starts to take shape.

In Mobile, there are certain bars/restaurants/clubs that all Veterans know about and go to. Why? Because it's common knowledge that those are the places that people in The Mubble hang out. It's like Cheers. And they go where everybody knows their name.

Veterans also know the look. It's funny how each city has a group of men in the population that provide a definitive look. The Portland look, for example, is hipster alternative. Skinny jeans, unshaven 8-9 day old beard and a skull cap (even in the middle of summer)...basically, it's a look that screams "I haven't showered in 3 days."

The Mubble look? Khaki/Tan pants, tucked in button up shirt, casual/tennis shoes and a hat; or if no hat, shaggy forward flowing hair. Basically, it's a look that says, "I might be going to church. Or I might be going fishing."

Veterans are comfortable with The Mubble and can navigate it. They know the locations. They have the look. And they speak the language. But Veterans tend to lack an intensity and exclusivity that only the 3rd tier possesses.

Tier 3 - Lifers. If Assimilators are in line for the club and Veterans are on 'the list' then Lifers are rolling VIP. This is the elite class. The straw that stirs The Mubble drink.

Let's return to those 3 open-ended questions. 1) What are your ties to Mobile? Lifers are born and raised here. If they move away for college or work, they end up moving back. Sometimes, but not always, they have deep roots to the community. Family's been here for generations. Tradition can be very important to a Lifer. So is family. And in The Mubble, the right family name could be very, very important.

2) What do you think of the city? "I love it here. All of my family and friends are here. I absolutely love Mobile." Translation: Lifer.

3) Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years? If they focus on what part of Mobile they'd like to be living in someday or a specific local company they hope to be working for, you've got a Lifer on your hands. If asked if they ever see themselves leaving Mobile, a Lifer in The Mubble will respond, "Why would I ever want to leave?" Indeed. Their connections are here. Everything they know and trust is here.

The Mubble is all about exclusivity. I couldn't tell you if the Lifers are cool or not. But they act as if they belong to the 'in crowd.' And if you act like the in crowd and treat your clique like an exclusive club (with your own hangouts and your own looks), then pretty soon - if there are enough of you, other people will think you are the in crowd.

Finally, an overzealous sense of pride can be found throughout The Mubble. Some have the attitude that outsiders simply "can't understand." That's why The Mubble is filled with people who will only date native Mobilians (seriously, 3 people admitted that to me).

The problem with bubbles is that they hold up a mirror to those inside. Instead of seeing out, we only see a reflection of what's familiar and comfortable. In short, we see what we want to see.

And maybe that's why Lifers are convinced they're sitting at the cool table in the school cafeteria.

If You Read One Book This Year...

2011-04-13T00:59:00.000-05:00

While my appetite has increased over the past few years, I certainly wouldn't call myself a voracious reader. But I just finished "Griftopia"...in 3 days. Matt Taibbi lays out an easy to follow, entertaining and always fascinating tale sure to infuriate 99% of Americans. He looks beyond the financial crisis of 2008 to what he refers to as a national looting of wealth and money by a select group of powerful grifters, who have been and continue to play a long con with an unsuspecting American public. Not only is it one of the best books I've ever read, but it's also one of the most important.

Yes, Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. And while he might be a Progressive/Democratic/Liberal (use whatever term you'd like) at heart, no one is safe in this 252 page, napalm of rage-filled tale; evidenced by this passage where he rips the Democrats and the Obama Administration while summing up the stages used to pass Healthcare Reform.

"...blaming the Senate for taking all the good stuff out of the bill, buying off the remaining recalcitrant members for $100 million apiece, and then sauntering off into the sunset atop a multi-trillion dollar corporate welfare program that might further wreck an already wrecked system for a generation, but will keep Rahm Emanuel rolling in campaign contributions for, well, the next two election cycles."

Taibbi is at his best when using his descriptive powers to summarize events and paint clear pictures from otherwise huge confusing messes. Oh, and it's oftentimes profanely entertaining. Like here, where his flowery-filled language is on display along with, well, shit...just check this passage out:

"So now it's 2004. The United States and George W. Bush have just done an interesting thing, going off the map to launch a lunatic invasion of Iraq in a move that destabilizes the entire region, again pissing off pretty much all the oil-rich Arab nationalist regimes in the Middle East, including the Saudi despots - although, on the other hand, fuck them."

A pissed off tone permeates the pages. Like if someone were to start a blog about an ex and only write when they're drunk and pissed off, which if you think about it, makes complete sense. If I uncovered all of these financial atrocities, I'd be pretty pissed off too. Even the titles of his chapters are awesome. "The Biggest Asshole in the Universe" is named for Alan Greenspan. At the beginning of which he says:

"Former Federal Reserve chief Alan Greenspan is that one-in-a-billion asshole who made America the dissembling mess that it is today...Greenspan's rise is instead a tale of a gerbilish mirror-gazer who flattered and bullshitted his way up the Matterhorn of American power..."

Taibbi's outstanding observational and descriptive powers are on display in full force, including a fantastic three paragraph section about the Tea Party on page 24, which I won't list here...instead opting for this tremendous paragraph introducing Goldman Sachs:

"The first thing you need to know about Goldman Sachs is that it's everywhere. The world's most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money. In fact, the history of the recent financial crisis, which doubles as a history of the rapid decline and fall of the suddenly swindled-dry American empire, reads like a Who's Who of Goldman Sachs graduates."

But the heart of the book - what makes it so jarringly affective is Taibbi's ability to relate the material to the reader. This is boring stuff. And he not only explains it in such a way that makes it understandable, but he frames it in a way that only fuels your passionate anger as you read...and oh by the way, he makes it addictively entertaining.

This last example is taken at the end of the chapter called "Hot Potato," about the housing bubble. After talking about the $13 Trillion+ spent on various bailouts and how that money could have effectively bought a house for every American eligible, he ends as he does throughout each chapter in the book...with a fantastic argument wrapped in a flurried crescendo:

"But we didn't do that, and we didn't spend the money on anything else useful, either. Why? For a very good reason. Because we're no good anymore at building bridges and highways or coming up with brilliant innovations in energy or medicine. We're shit now at finishing massive public works projects or launching brilliant fairy-tale public policy ventures like the moon landing.

What are we good at? Robbing what's left. When it comes to that, we Americans have no peer..."

So if this book looks like your cup of tea, I'd recommend ordering it. And even if it isn't your cup of tea, I'd highly recommend it anyway. That was the purpose of this blog post (not to mention listing a few choice passages)...to get you interested. I have no financial stake whether you read the book or not. But since I'm pimping it as much as I am, you know the quotes on the back of the book cover? Well, here; why don't I leave you with what I would say about the book if given that opportunity.

"An often entertaining, always terrifying account of the fleecing of America."

Or "A delicious 250-page rant that proves without a shadow of a doubt just how fucked the average American is."

Or maybe just "This book scared the hell out of me."

Regardless, if you only read one book this year, I hope it's Griftopia.

Blue - an Ode to the Cubs

2011-03-31T22:45:00.001-05:00

I'm a die-hard Cubs fan. Have been ever since I was 8 years old. So in honor of Opening Day 2011, I wrote a poem that I feel encapsulates what it's like to live and die cheering for a team that hasn't won a World Series in over 100 years.

Blue

Hope springs from eternal sphere
To signify that time of year.
When Cubs fans' memories warm from cold
And a predestined rocky ride takes hold.

No lead is safe, our heads do shake
Watching our batter a third strike take.
The highs and lows, the lows and highs
Few too smiles and far too sighs.

But a cautiously optimistic run begun
And hope springs to summer's sun.
Teased before but could it be
A march realized towards history?

Then October comes without a sound
No streamers or confetti found.
Just a loud chorus the fans resound
"Wait till next year" on the North side of town.

Hoosiers vs. The Natural

2011-03-23T00:46:00.000-05:00

Sunday afternoon I stumbled across The Natural on TCM. Great, great sports movie. And that got me thinking...what's the greatest sports movie of all-time? In my opinion, the choice comes down to two movies: "The Natural" (1984) starring Robert Redford and "Hoosiers" (1986) starring Gene Hackman. There are many other options to consider, so let me quickly disprove a handful of them.

Raging Bull and Rocky don't count. Those are movies where a specific sport is more of the background to the story as opposed to an integral part. The same goes for Field of Dreams. And Caddyshack doesn't count either. Great movie...and yes, there's golf, but saying Caddyshack is truly a golf movie is like saying Karate Kid is really about karate. Which leaves Bull Durham. Bull Durham is right up there. However, it quickly veers towards 'chick flick' status towards the end, and that will always make it 3rd.

So that leaves Hoosiers and The Natural. Two monumentally great movies made about 25 years ago that still hold up today. And they have many things in common besides when they were made. So it's only right that I do a breakdown to determine which is the best sports movie of all-time. If you disagree with my two choices, too bad...it's my blog, my rules. Also, if you're wondering what qualifies me to break this down, can I interest you in this blog post where I looked at Alec Baldwin vs. Morgan Freeman? Or maybe one of my proudest entries ever; my Road House post ...where I tried to figure out how much money Dalton cleared while working at the Double Deuce.

At the end of each category, I award a Couch Potato Point (CPP) to one of the movies. Most points at the end wins. Simple as that. Oh, and if you haven't seen either of these movies...what's wrong with you?? But seriously, if that's the case, this is your spoiler alert. Alright, enough housecleaning. Let's get to it.

- Better Leading Character -

Hackman plays Norman Dale, disgraced former college coach of the Ithaca Warriors. He was suspended for punching one of his own players. So yeah, he has some demons that he's been working out in the Navy before taking the job at Hickory High in the early 1950's. It's your typical "last chance; trying to make good for past mistakes" character. He has the talent and the tools, even if they are different than what this small basketball-crazed town is used to. Redford on the other hand, plays Roy Hobbs, a baseball phenom growing up on a farm around 1920. A sharp detour befalls him on his road to greatness and he never makes it to the major leagues. Until, that is, about 15-16 years later as a middle-aged rookie. His is a story of "what could have been" and also a story of greatness, however short and fleeting.

They both have demons. They both have a past that they're running from, in a way. And while both are integral to the success of the story and their respected teams, Roy Hobbs walks the fine line between man and mythical baseball god. While Norman Dale knows he can never right a previous wrong, at least that was a choice he made and he has to deal with it. The glory that should have belonged to Roy Hobbs was taken from him...and he's reminded of that with every successful at bat he has in the major leagues. To him, whatever greatness and stardom he achieves is bittersweet. Redford walks that fine line beautifully and it's that loss that makes Roy Hobbs such a tragic figure.

CPP: The Natural

- Best Big Star in a Supporting Role -

The Natural gives us Robert Duvall as Max Mercy, syndicated sports columnist. He has an important role throughout The Natural and Duvall plays him extremely well. But come on, Dennis Hopper as Shooter - the alcoholic, basketball obsessed father of one of Norman Dale's players? And he's made an assistant, tries to clean up but can't...in-between which he gives us the "picket fence" scene to win a game that Hackman is kicked out of??? No contest.

CPP: Hoosiers

- Random Parallel -

Did you know that Barbara Hershey is in both of these frickin' movies?? In The Natural, she's "the woman on the train" who witnesses Roy strike out 'The Whammer' on his way to Chicago and then shoots him (then kills herself), derailing his dream for 15 years. In Hoosiers, she plays a wet noodle of a love interest to Norman Dale. She does a great Gretchen Mol impression from Rounders, causing you to absolutely hate her up until the town hall meeting. And while we get a gift in the form of her killing herself in The Natural about 25 minutes into the movie, we have to put up with her throughout all of Hoosiers. And actually, it's a miracle that her character doesn't lessen the value of the movie (Gretchen Mol's character in Rounders did; and it also ruined her career). So for the simple fact that we actually end up liking the wet noodle that is Myra Fleener by the end of the movie, I give a slight nod to Hoosiers . (But seriously, how crazy is it that she's in both movies?!?!)

CPP: Hoosiers

- Better Fake Athlete -

This matches Roy Hobbs (Redford) against the athletic hero in Hoosiers, Jimmy Chitwood. Did you know that everybody on that starting lineup for Hickory played college basketball somewhere in real life...all except for the guy who played Jimmy Chitwood? It's true. They establish early on that Jimmy is a very, very good player since the only time he ever misses when he shoots hoops is when Coach Dale tells him he doesn't care if he's on the team or not. Now, what makes Redford so believable is that he looks like a player from the 1960's playing in the 1930's, if that makes sense. In other words, he's ahead of his time. He has such a sweet swing, plays good defense, has a wonderful throwing motion and even has an outstanding pitching motion. Think that's easy in a movie?? Watch Tim Robbins in Bull Durham or even Freddie Prinze, Jr. in Summer Catch (yes, I just went there).

CPP: The Natural

- Best Defining Scene -

This is not the best moment. A defining scene is something that encapsulates the entire movie. Here’s an example. The defining scene in Unforgiven isn’t when William Munny lays waste to the poor bastards inside Greely’s. It’s the scene before that…when Will and the kid are on the hilltop, waiting for the girl to deliver the money. That conversation says everything you need to know about the movie. And for me, it remains one of the great scenes in Western filmmaking. But I digress.

The “town meeting” in Hoosiers is important for a number of reasons, including Jimmy announcing he’ll play and return to the team, thus saving Coach Dale’s job (which he just lost about 5 seconds before Jimmy showed up). This finally gives coach the support in town he’s been lacking, and Jimmy’s presence puts the team on a crash course with destiny. But there's another candidate...Coach Dale’s speech before the state semifinal, where he hits every important point about their team and why they’ve been and will continue to be successful despite their size.

It’s tough to pick a real definitive scene in The Natural. I personally love the scenes with Glenn Close because Roy is finally free to talk about what could have been. Almost all of his mythical baseball scenes fit into the “best scene” category. But I ended up settling on “batting practice”. Roy finally gets his opportunity to show what he can do. He certainly doesn’t disappoint. The conversation with Pop afterward pretty much says it all. “All those years and you never played organized baseball?” Roy: “Well, I sorta got sidetracked.”

Tough category, and as much as I’d like to penalize Hackman for his locker room speech specifically on the grounds of his role in The Replacements years later, I have to give the narrow edge to Hoosiers…if only because I love seeing the look on George’s face in the town meeting when Jimmy gives the ultimatum, and I love when the tally gets ripped up accompanied by an emphatic, “Coach stays.”

CPP: Hoosiers

- Biggest Issues/Flaws -

In The Natural, Barbara Hershey's character is a serial killer (apparently), who kills star athletes. Now even though Roy strikes out The Whammer at that train stop, nobody knows Roy yet. Everybody knows The Whammer. So why try to kill Roy then? Why not wait until he's a star...or better yet, kill The Whammer? Also, when in the season did Roy get called up? The announcer during his first at-bat says, "called up in midseason" but when exactly is that? He's around long enough for a prolonged tear, followed by a prolonged slump, followed by a lengthy surge in the standings. Also, Bump Bailey conveniently dies so Roy shuffles right into his spot, and Bump is just forgotten about the rest of the movie. And finally, we hear Roy tell us that he "boned his bat so it wouldn't chip" whatever that means. But do you mean to tell me that in all those years, he never broke his bat...and that the one time it finally breaks is during the biggest at-bat of his life? By the way, I'm not complaining about any of these supposed flaws. I'm completely happy with the movie as is, but the argument is there so I'm making it.

Now Hoosiers on the other hand really has only two major flaws that I can think of. First is something Spike Lee brought up many years ago. He contended that the movie was racist because these white farm kids end up beating a black team from South Bend Central for the state title. Well, let me quickly disprove that. I grew up in a small town of 400 people. And as you can imagine, there's not much diversity in small towns. So the best way to show the difference in size of a school is by showing diversity. And that's why there are black players on South Bend Central, to help show how much bigger their school is. Also, if I may, the white player on South Bend Central makes the crucial mistake towards the end of the game. They're up a bucket with about a minute to go and there's no ball pressure on him, yet he decides to shoot a jumper from about 15 feet away, giving Hickory a chance to tie. So there, Spike. Suck on that! But the biggest Hoosiers flaw is the return of Buddy. If you remember, Buddy walks out on coach during the first day of practice. We see Whit come back with his father but never Buddy. All of a sudden later on, they're playing in a new game and bam, there's Buddy! What the hell?

The Natural's flaws are more questions, although there are many. Hoosiers big flaw (sorry, Spike, I'm not counting the racism thing) is...well...bigger. So that means...

CPP: The Natural

- Best Lead-in to the Big Game -

We're coming to the end, so let me give you a break from reading.

Hoosiers link.

The Natural link.

Sorry for the quality in The Natural clip. What you don't see is that following that clip, Roy and Max Mercy have a little talk. That takes away from the overall affect of this entertaining clip. And that Hoosiers clip, by contrast, gives me chills every time.

CPP: Hoosiers

- Best Ending -

Last category. And again, let's go to the links.

Hoosiers

The Natural

Now what you didn't see was each movie ends not with a triumphant moment but with a few seconds showing how the story is passed to the next generation. We hear Gene Hackman's voiceover in the gym as a young kid is shooting baskets with a picture of the state champs hanging on the wall. And we see Roy Hobbs playing catch with his son in the same field he played catch with his father. While the ending to Hoosiers is excellent, I have to give this to The Natural. I mean, Roy Hobbs is just out of the hospital, he's bleeding, he just broke his bat (which has been like Wilson from Castaway to him his whole life) and he hits the fucking lights to win the game?!?!?!? And oh by the way, if Coach Dale doesn't know to get the ball to the guy who has about 30 of his team's 40 points for the last shot in the title game, then...

CPP: The Natural

Alright, so let's total up the points. Hoosiers - 4 CPP. The Natural - 4 CPP. @#&%!!!!!

Son of a bitch. Alright. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this. But here goes...actual, in-depth analysis. What separates each movie is that they both are the gold standard for sports movie plots. Hoosiers is the plucky, upstart, nobody believes in us, we can do this feel-good story (like Seabiscuit; Miracle; Rudy; Bad News Bears to name a few) which pretty much owns this genre. The Natural on the other hand is the former star trying to regain his lost glory, but for Roy Hobbs, it's as much a 'never was' story...which is rare in sports movies.

Hoosiers was based on a true story, although names, etc. were obviously changed. And The Natural was based on an excellent book. They both have lead characters with troubled pasts, taking advantage of that seemingly last opportunity. There are excellent supporting characters, and a few "that guy" actors. And there are fantastic one liners as well...Hoosiers - "Sun don't shine on the same dog's ass every day, but mister, you ain't seen a ray of light since you got here." And The Natural - "Pretty good food, huh? You can't spell it, but it eats pretty good, don't it?"

Each movie is a period piece. And they each do a phenomenal job with the details. Hoosiers has the old scoreboards, small gyms and uniforms; not to mention Rade's one-legged jumpshot! The Natural has the old ballparks, those heavy old uniforms, the fact that the defensive players would leave their gloves on the field while they batted; not to mention Fowler pitching what seems like every game including batting practice.

The Natural has a lot going on. It's a story about a crooked boss trying to force out his partner, who's also the manager of the team. It has a degenerate gambler (Darren McGavin!) who teams with the crooked boss to make wagers based on inside info while corrupting the current star of the team (Bump Bailey) with a hot blonde (Kim Basinger!)...who moves over to Roy Hobbs once Bump is out of the picture. So in essence, it has a shade of good vs. evil.

But above all, The Natural is about loss and redemption. Roy loses his dream only to finally one day have a shot at realizing it. He loses his true love, only to finally reconnect with her years later (emotionally satisfying scenes, by the way). And finally, it's about not being satisfied when you have that redemption in your hands. I mean, these 43 seconds say it all.

Yes, the mythical baseball highlights Roy Hobbs strings together don't seem real or possible. But it's an homage to the great baseball memories of the past. About Babe Ruth calling his shot; and Mickey Mantle hitting the ball completely out of Yankee Stadium. I can see the old-timers sitting around telling their grandkids about the day Roy Hobbs knocked the cover off the ball; or broke the clock at Wrigley Field.

Sure, The Natural has a lot going on. But it executes and ties together all of these pieces beautifully in its story. It's a cornucopia of unbelievable moments, both exceptionally vivid and fantastically subtle alike. And for all these reasons, The Natural stands alone as the Greatest Sports Movie of All-Time.

Fat Tuesday - An Ode to The Duroc

2011-03-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

"If you want to drink all day, you have to start early." I can't remember when I first heard that saying, but I definitely remember the man who said those words. It was my dad's college roommate, "The Duroc." And while it might sound simplistic, he was the embodiment of fun. He was like that really cool uncle. I could regale you with a story, but there are simply too many.

I thought about The Duroc as I cracked my first beer at 8:33 am last Tuesday, Fat Tuesday - my first ever Fat Tuesday in Mobile, AL (the ORIGINAL home of Mardi Gras here in the states). But first, allow me to rewind and start this recap properly.

6:45 - 8:00 am: I woke up an hour before I wake up for work, which I found hilariously sad and telling. There are numerous keys in order to successfully drink all day. But here two of my biggest. 1) Eat the right stuff at the right time. That's why I made sure to eat a big breakfast of bacon and eggs before leaving for the day. 2) My secret is taking a One-a-Day Energy pill with food. Ideally, you want to hit this up around lunch, but I wasn't taking any chances...so I took it with breakfast.

8:15 - 11:00 am: I set up shop in my parking lot at work, which is just along the parade route. Luckily, our lot has an electronic gate, so it was pretty much me and two other cars in there. The sun was out, the weather was beautiful and the air was just right for drinking. My only regret? A game of beer darts would have been perfect, but I didn't have a game constructed and there wasn't anybody to play beer darts with so alas.

Now, I might have been nursing a couple beers...alone, but let's just say it appeared that downtown Mobile at 9:30 am on Fat Tuesday is not quite where the winners hang out. By the way, I ended up live-tweeting my escapades during the day (with a little help from my friends), so if you're on Twitter, hit up @Winning_FatTues for a detailed account.

Around noon; 6 beers in.

11:00 - 12:00 pm: I spent this hour hanging out at the office (we have a balcony that overlooks the parade route), taking it easy. Hey, you need to recharge the batteries sometime.

12:00 - 3:00 pm: I walked a few blocks to a couple of good friends' apartment, where they were having a fantastic Mardi Gras brunch...just what I needed at that point. See, the right food at the right time. This ain't my first rodeo.

By the way, I was adding a string of beads for every beer/drink I consumed throughout the day and night. Remember that for later. FYI, this would also be the only time during the day when I felt remotely tired (food hangover)...but only for a few minutes.

Just what I needed.

Oh, one other thing. We found a local station doing live coverage of the parade and festivities. For some reason, at about 2:00, they threw it to the man on the street, who had to fill roughly 12 minutes. It was so random that we decided the only logical explanation for this train wreck was that the anchors had to take a shit.

3:00 pm - 8:00 pm: Our brunch group heads back to the office to hang out for the final 2 parades. There, during this time, I start to feel slightly sluggish so I switch things up to a couple of mixed drinks...which seemed to do the trick.

Last parade!

By the way, I have to tell you that up until we leave the office at around 8:00 to go grab something to eat, I actually feel pretty fantastic. I wasn't getting tired; was feeling buzzed, not drunk; and I might add, I was wearing a white polo shirt that was still completely white. So I was firing on all cylinders and doing exceptionally well for someone who had been drinking consistently (yet slowly) for almost 12 hours up to that point.

Feelin' great at 8:00!

8:00 pm - ??: We hit this restaurant/bar that we like for some good tacos...which again, was exactly what I needed when I needed it. We stay there until probably about 9:30 or so. Now here's where the night gets rather amazing, if I do say so myself.

Tthe 6 people or so I'm with at this restaurant decide that they've had enough and are going to head home. Well, I'm STILL feeling great; buzzed but not drunk at all. This is the point of the night where I tweeted that I felt like I was throwing a no-hitter. Because, I argued, "I have no idea why or how I feel as good as I do, but who knows when I'm ever going to be in a position like this again, so I have to press on."

Still feelin' great!

I head to my favorite bar in downtown Mobile, which is probably 2 blocks from the restaurant...by myself. I figured I was just going to head for a slow nightcap or two. Well, as luck would have it, I ended up running into the same good friends who had thrown the Mardi Gras brunch earlier in the day (we separated after the 1st parade at the office). And let's just say they were shocked to see me...and in as good as shape as I was in (as this picture to the left can attest).

So we ended up hanging out a while longer, and then finally, we called it a night. But as the night came to an end and the ensuing days unfolded, I couldn't quite figure out how this day became epically awesome. It had been a handful of years since I tried to drink for the majority of the day (ironically, the last time was probably during The Final Five in St. Paul, MN and beer darts were involved). Bottom line, this doesn't happen everyday.

And I couldn't quite place my finger on how I was able to maintain the same blood alcohol level (or at least the consistent feeling of about 4-5 beers) throughout the entire day and night. It was like a protective shield of awesomeness was placed over me for 24 hours.

Look at the eyes...still in good shape!

Which brings me back to The Duroc. He passed away a handful of years ago, and this is the first time I can remember attempting an epic journey of alcohol consumption since he's been gone. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think a higher power was involved on Fat Tuesday. How else could I explain why I felt so great all day? How else could I explain that my white shirt stayed perfectly white, never spilling a drunken drop on it? After all, I'm not a huge drinker (of course, after reading this I'm sure my mother will worry that I'm becoming one).

But maybe, just maybe, someone was looking down from a barstool with a proud smile and protective eye. Because if you want to drink all day, you need some help. And, of course, you have to start early.

Nice Guys Finish Last. But Sometimes Best.

2011-03-07T00:45:00.001-06:00

(I had a lot of fun writing last week’s post. And I got a lot of feedback on it. However, before I jump into the juicy goodness of this one, I want to share a couple of things I learned after last week’s post. Like how I have a lot of wonderful friends who were quick to offer me encouragement…however misguided. Because the biggest thing I learned is that if you write a social commentary piece using a first-person account for a better affect, many people will assume you’re talking about yourself…and one specific girl currently in your life. Whoops. But I loved the feedback I got last week, so I thought I’d up the ante with another social observation. So buckle up.)

Last week I looked at one specific phenomenon…the awesome girl and the douche bag. This week, I’m going to examine another…the awesomely beautiful girl and the every man (nice guy). Yes, some awesomely beautiful girls are actually married to “nice guys.” But why? And how did this happen? I soon developed what I felt was a strong theory. Over the past couple of years, when possible, I’ve run this by many ladies who might fit the profile. And while it doesn’t apply to everyone, I have definitely received more than a few, “Oh my God, that’s totally me” admissions.

My theory involves a cycle in the dating world. It might not happen often, but it’s out there. And it gives hope to nice guys the world over. So without further ado, I give you “the 3 stages of the dating woman.” (I know, the title needs work.)

Stage 1 - “I Had No Idea.” This is the genesis; the beginning. Now, it could be the beginning of a girl's dating life, or maybe she’s had a nose job, dropped 50 lbs or even colored her hair differently. For my example, let’s say it’s a girl in high school.

Now, while in high school, she might not really know what’s out there in the real world. And since she just started dating, she doesn’t have a handle on the whole scene, specifically her options. So she ends up dating a nice enough guy mainly because she doesn’t know any better. But come on, it’s high school. They have a good time, everything seems great, and they agree to keep seeing each other even though they’re going to different colleges. (For my theory, we’ll talk about girls who go to college.)

When in college she starts to slowly receive a little more attention than she’s used to. If asked out, she says she’s flattered but that she has a boyfriend…who lives 5 hours away. Of course, when he comes to visit, she receives varied reactions when introducing him…specifically a bunch of “Really? THIS is your boyfriend?” looks. It’s not that he’s a tool or anything, it’s just that a lot of people think she can do better…a fact that is not lost on her. And this realization leads her to Stage 2.

Stage 2 – “The Upgrade.” It goes like this. “What? The captain of the basketball team or the cool guy in class is interested in me?” Basically, she’s in a position to trade up and does. Remember the movie Can’t Hardly Wait? I call this the Mike Dexter/Amanda Beckett corollary. She’s introduced to a whole new world, becoming more popular in the process. And because of this, her new boyfriend is excused for treating her like shit.

Sure, she might have gone from zero to hero but at what cost? She might get ignored, maybe even stood up on occasion. Instead of “I can’t believe you’re dating this guy” reactions because she’s better than him, she’ll start to get “I can’t believe you’re dating this guy” reactions because he’s a dick. In case you can’t see the parallels, Stage 2 is where you get awesome girls dating huge douche bags. (coming full circle with last week’s post)

Unfortunately, awesomely beautiful girls can stay in Stage 2 for a long time, dating many guys in a labyrinth of low expectations. And hell, a lot of times they’ll even marry a guy from this stage. Obviously, not all awesomely attractive girls make it to Stage 3. And some never make it out of Stage 1. But I digress. Once they're fed up with the douche bags in Stage 2, that leads to…

Stage 3 – “I Want a Nice Guy.” Yep, that awesomely beautiful woman who’s with the guy who doesn’t seem to be in her league said to herself, “Enough of this crap. I want a nice guy.” And really, that’s all there is to it. So she found a nice guy who treats her right and is happier because of it. Right place. Right time. Right guy. Lucky bastard.

Sure, this path isn’t the norm for most awesomely beautiful women. But I’ve found that plenty of them have gone through these 3 stages. So, nice guys take heart. You might finish last, but you could also finish best.

An Open Letter to Every Awesome Girl Dating a Huge Douche

2011-03-02T00:19:00.004-06:00

Hey there. Nice to see you. Listen, what I’m about to say has been a long time coming…years in fact. So…yeah…I’d like to talk to you about that guy you’re with…who…how can I say this…is a complete douche bag. What’s that? Yeah, I’m sure he’s a real catch. But luckily for me, he’s over there taking shots with his buddies, so we have a couple minutes. By the way, I see you’re here with his friends…and none of yours.

Now, maybe you’re with this colossal douche because it’s what you’re used to…it’s what you know. And like fungus-ridden shower shoes, there’s a level of comfort in that. But like those fungus-ridden shower shoes, it’s not healthy.

You’re Snow White in a deep slumber…only you’re awake, ever hypnotized by this loser’s charms (whatever the hell they are; no one knows). Perhaps the right guy can break you from this cursed trance, but more likely, it needs to be you. Hold up…he’s coming over here. I’ll continue this in a second…

Say, I like how he put his arm around you while he asked to borrow $5, making sure every guy here knew that you’re with him. Nice insecure move. Anyway, where was I…oh yeah…like the old saying goes, “you have to be the change you want to see.” And, of course, you have to actually want change.

But sadly, you seem awfully content for someone who appears to be miserable. What? Oh, I’m sorry. I guess low self-worth, a deflated attitude and being allergic to smiling whenever you’re toegether are all signs of true love. But maybe you like how he playfully slaps your ass and cuts you down in front of other people.

Oh how I wish you’d realize what a douche he is. And once you do, cut the chord, because constantly breaking up and getting back together doesn’t do anyone any good. The 5^th time is never the charm. So dump this idiot and get your mojo back. By the way, he just bought of round of drinks for his friends and put ‘em on your tab. Anyway, while I have your attention, let me tell you something else.

I recently read an article from Slate.com that posed the question, “Is there a loser-boyfriend epidemic in this country?” Let me answer that. Yes. Yes there is. And you know what? It’s your fault. Whoa, hear me out before you pour that drink on my head. Look, you’re giving these douche bags little reason to try harder and treat you better. So if you get rid of this toolbox, you need to rediscover how awesome you are and then demand more from the opposite sex.

And once you’re happy with who you are, give me a call.

Surprised? Well, we obviously have a ton in common and get along great and are constantly flirting (at least it seems like flirting to me), but here are a few more reasons. I’ll put you on a pedestal (if and when you deserve it), open the occasional door and treat you with respect. I’ll never drive off and leave you at the bar because you talked to some random dude for 30 seconds like he did last month. And hey, I’ll even watch that shitty movie you like and go to that party thrown by your friend I can’t stand.

Why would I do all that? Because some of us treat women like women…not accessories.

So give me a call when you dump this loser. Because as much as I would like to, I won’t attempt to steal you away from this douche. That’s something a douche would do.

Oscars Running Diary

2011-02-27T23:08:00.000-06:00

It’s time for one of my favorite running gags that I stole from other writers. A running diary of The Oscars telecast!

I’m coming to you live from my apartment. Joining me via text messages is my Hollywood Outsider, Sporto…who’s already chimed in with one observation during the Red Carpet. “Reese Witherspoon…so fine!”

7:32: If the Oscars are as good as that opening clip montage of all the Best Picture nominees, then we’re in for a better night than we've gotten the past couple of years.

7:37: Nice. Another sweet montage with James Franco and my future ex-wife Anne Hathaway, cohosting tonight quickly follows.

7:43: I like what the telecast is doing. With a tip of the cap to Gone with the Wind, Tom Hanks ties the Art Direction and Cinematography awards in a nice homage to Titanic, the last film to win Art Direction, Cinematography and Best Picture Oscars in the same year.

7:45: Alice in Wonderland takes home the night’s first award...for Best Art Direction. And the winner’s speech is more nerve-racking then a 16 year-old virgin asking a girl to prom. Hey Oh!!

7:47: And Boom. Inception wins for best Cinematography…giving me an opportunity to bitch about how Inception wins for Best Cinematography but their frickin’ Director can’t even get nominated. Whatever. Time for a commercial break…

7:51: Holy shit! It’s Kirk Douglas. And I’m sorry to admit that I didn’t even know he was still alive. I love Kirk Douglas, but it’s hard to understand him…but I can still understand him better than Shannon Sharpe on CBS’s NFL Pre-game show.

7:56: Melissa Leo is shocked for winning Best Supporting Actress…or maybe she needed someone to tell her she won after Kirk Douglas’s fun, incoherent tease with the award.

7:59: Melissa Leo drops an F bomb (good catch censors). That was fun! And she finally wraps up her acceptance speech which was about as long as Kirk Douglas’s intro. Yikes. Next award, please.

8:02: The young and hip Oscars move right along with Justin Timberlake and my future ex-wife #2, Mila Kunis presenting the animated awards. The biggest lock of the night, Toy Story 3, wins for Best Animatd Film. Gee, you mean the animated movie that’s nominated for Best Picture won the animated category? I'm shocked.

8:13: Presenting the Screenplay awards are Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem…both looking like waiters in their matching white shirts, ties and jackets. Not many, if any surprises so far as Aaron Sorkin takes home the prize for Best Adapted Screenplay and who easily had the best accpetance speech thus far.

8:18: And he’s quickly passed by 115 year-old Original Screenplay winner, Father Time from The King’s Speech, who started his acceptance speech by saying, “My father told me I’d be a late bloomer.” Well done, old boy.

8:25: Dynamite song by Anne Hathaway ripping Hugh Jackman, and a nice Charlie Sheen joke from James Franco who was wearing a dress for some reason. (??) That was quickly followed by a nice comic bit from Russell Brand and Helen Mirren.

8:29: Reese Withererspoon walks out, as my buddy Sporto aptly put it earlier...looking so fine!

8:32: Everything going as planned in the Acting categories so far with Christian Bale taking home the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. And a laugh out loud point for his F bomb remark, and a nice moment with his shout out to his real life character, Dickie.

8:38: The President of the Academy comes out. Or as everyone at home calls it, “time to go to the bathroom and grab a snack.”

8:40: The first big upset of the night. Nicole Kidman actually able to move her cosmetically enhanced face enough to speak. My Hollywood Insider buddy, Quinn...I’m calling him that because he lives a block from the Kodak Theater…just weighed in with, “I though she was a mannequin.”

8:44: Former head man to Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor just won for Best Original Score for The Social Network. I wish I had a joke here.

8:45: The young, hip Oscars telecast rolls on with some tan guy next to my future ex-wife #3, Scarlett Johansson presenting the sound awards…which Inception promptly sweeps. Nice of the Academy to give Inception all the little awards that don’t matter. But they’re now leading in the clubhouse with 3 Academy Awards. So…uh…that’s something.

While I’m waiting for the awards that the majority of people out there care about, I’d like to rag on Nic Cage for a second. Mr. Cage, when your newest movie goes out of the way to mention it’s shot in 3D and they mention in passing that you’re in it, you no longer qualify for “movie star” status. It was fun while it lasted. Now please stop making movies. Thanks

8:56: By far, my favorite moment of the night: After a rundown of the technical awards hosted by Marissa Tomei, James Franco deadpans, “Congratulations, nerds.” Which, of course, garnered zero laughs from this terribly stiff crowd. An ugly result…but not as ugly as Cate Blanchette’s dress.

9:02: Obama!!! That guy is everywhere…ending an Original Song montage which then cuts back to Kevin Spacey scattin' and singin' a song. Fun moment as we head into the Best Original Song category.

9:06: My buddy Quinn checks in during the Best Song performances with his analysis: “Randy Newman wins everything… Animated movie? Newman? Ummm…Oscar.”

Miami Heat currently leading the new-look Knicks 74-69 with 8:40 left in the game…you know…because this info will be useful to you if...shit...never mind...

9:12: Jake Gyllenhal with a fun shout out to Oscar Pools during the best Documentary Short category. Hilarious because everyone in my pool always puts just one point on their pick in this category.

9:16: This dude with the crazy hair who just won for Live Action Short slayed me. “Man, I should’ve gotten my hair cut.” Exuberant, energetic, a shout out to his mom who did the craft services on his film. My favorite accpetance speech of the night!

9:17: Followed by an awesomely produced/edited segment taking popular movies of the year and turning them into musicals. This whole segment screams “Young and Hip.” It’s the Young and Hip Oscars!!!...highlighted by Twilight’s inclusion in this gag. Well done, Oscars. I’m enjoying the telecast thus far. Please don’t go downhill…

9:19: Spoke too soon. It’s Oprah. But she’s here to present my favorite category…The Documentary!! And the Oscar goes to…Inside Job!! If you’re scoring at home, that’s 3 years in a row for me predicting the winner in this category. Just sayin…

9:22: And Charles Ferguson gives us our first political moment of the night, pointing out that 3 years after our financial crisis, not one financial executive has gone to jail. Love it!

By the way, we’ve only got the Special Effects, Film Ediitng and Original Song categories until we get to “the big 4 awards of the night.” Buckle up.

9:27: Billy Crystal! With the first “time” joke of the night…with a nice, comedic couple of minutes about former host, Bob Hope.

9:31: Nice play between Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law introducing the Special Effects category…of which, Inception takes home yet another technical award.

So…can we give out the Original Song Oscar to Randy Newman already so we can get to the Lead Acting Oscars??

My favorite random shots of the night? Anytime someone from The Social Network wins and they show David Fincher…who for some reason, doesn’t look happy at all for his colleagues who’ve won.

9:44: Is it me or does Gwyneth Paltrow sound like the lead singer of Coldplay? Oh wait…that’s her husband. And really, Gwyneth? You’re not talented enough? You now have to add “singing sensation” to your resume? But not the strongest performance…as Randy Jackson would say, “A little pitchy, dawg. A little pitchy.”

9:46: “RANDY NEWMAN WINS EVERYTHING.” Actually, apparently not. That’s only his 2^nd win in 20 nominations. Sounds like my success rate getting phone numbers at the bar. Hey Oh!

9:51: Phenomenal Modern Family Oscar charades promo.

9:55: Coming back from commercial, Celine sings “Smile” as we go through the 'In Memoriam' part of the show…usually my favorite part. Tonight, it was done with simple elegance and class. I continue to be happy about tonight’s telecast. I didn’t start the timer until the first deceased person was shown on screen, so if you are in my Oscars Pool, the tie-breaker answers are 1) 40 people shown and 2) 2:56 running time.

10:02: Best Director…in honor of Christopher Nolan, I’m boycotting talking about this category as it unfolds. Fuck whoever wins…and fuck the Academy!!

10:11: I can’t tell if James Franco is drunk…

10:12: “Jeff Bridges, I loved you in Tron: Legacy!” I see the Academy is trying to have the best of both worlds, having Bridges give a little nod to each Lead Actress nominee. But at least we get our acting clips! Hooray!

10:16: Looks like Natalie Portman’s masterplan of getting pregnant to earn the sympathy of the Oscars voters paid off. (I kid…I kid…)

By the way, there really haven’t been any big upsets, so let’s just give the next two awards to Colin Firth and The King’s Speech and call it an evening shall we?

10:20: Academy Award Winner Sandra Bullock! 21 year-old me just did a double-take. What?!!? Sandra Bullock won an Oscar!?! For what…Miss Congeniality 3???

10:25: I hope you took my advice and wagered a parlay in the acting categories with Leo, Bale, Firth and Portman. No upsets tonight as Colin Firth just took home the Oscar for Best Lead Actor.

10:28: Biggest upset of the night…the orchestra not cutting of Colin Firth’s 2+ minute acceptance speech...which proves my point…the Academy loves the British!! Quick, wager everything you own on The King’s Speech before it’s too late!

10:31: Yikes. Not a good dress for Anne Hathaway to end the show with.

10:32: Spielberg just reminded us that some of the best movies of all-time didn’t win Best Picture. I’ll remember that when The King’s Speech wins.

Nice montage to introduce the nominees. Well done, Academy.

10:35: And the Oscar goes to…The King’s Speech. Whatever.

10:40: As I listen to PS 22 take us home…I’d like to take this opportunity to mention that I hit every one of my 7 Oscar Predictions from Friday’s blog. And what does that tell us? That there were no big surprises at all tonight. Actually, hold on. What am I saying…

I’m a genius!!! I’d like to thank the Academy for giving me 3+ hours of Anne Hathaway time. And big ups to James Franco for the “congratulations, nerds” line. That slayed me. Good night everybody!!

10 Oscar Predictions

2011-02-25T00:00:00.001-06:00

It’s that time of year again. Oscar time! Over the past couple of years, The Academy has drastically tweaked the show’s format. Well, in their promos leading up the show, ABC is simply calling Sunday’s telecast “Oscar.” Not “The Oscars” or “The Academy Awards” but “Oscar.” I’m hopeful this is the only drastic change to this year’s program, but alas. It won’t be.

Regardless, The Oscars (suck it, Academy, I’m calling them what I want) is the one awards show I look forward to each year, as my running diaries in this space can attest to. So, without further ado I’m offering up 10 predictions for Sunday’s show. 3 random predictions and 7 Oscar picks. Let’s start with the random.

There will be stale jokes about the length of the show.

Here’s how it will go down. Someone presenting one of the later awards (Lead Actor, Director, even maybe Best Picture) will stroll out, look into the camera and say, “Well, I have good news. We’ve just reached the halfway point in this year’s show.” The room will laugh. I will not. We get it. The show is long. Whatever.

Ben Stiller will do something ridiculous.

Two years ago, Stiller dressed up like Joaquin Phoenix after his bearded, crazy appearance on Letterman. Last year, he dressed up like whatever those things from Avatar were called. Is there someplace I can bet that Stiller will walk out dressed as a Black Swan?

Past winners will introduce the nominees in the Acting categories.

I hate this wrinkle added a couple years ago. So we replace the brief clips from each nominee to hear past winners try to blow smoke up the ass of a ‘colleague’ that they either barely know or once worked with in the past. They do this because everyone in the room loves it. And there are a few “Holy Shit, that’s Shirley MacLaine!” reactions in front of televisions. But if you’re trying to get average people to watch the show, they’re not going to see all of the movies nominated, so give us a damn clip! I can’t even describe how much I hate this. Let’s just get to my Oscar picks before I break something.

Best Documentary

Nominees: Exit through the Gift Shop; Gasland; Inside Job; Restrepo; Waste Land

I add this to the 6 major award categories because I love Documentaries and it’s my blog. So there! Each of the past 2 years, I knew what’d win Best Documentary when I saw it. This year...not so much.

The Dark Horse: Restrepo

Two journalist/filmmakers imbedded with a platoon in Afghanistan, show us a shocking account of what life was like for these men in what is widely considered the most dangerous place on Earth. If the Academy wants to make a statement about the never ending war in Afghanistan, look for this to win.

Who I Want to Win: Exit Through the Gift Shop

Known but not ‘known’ street artist “Banksy” gives us a ridiculously incredible look at this world and with it, a fascinating profile of a guy who, well, I can’t even describe. No one knows Banksy’s identity and the Academy doesn’t allow costumes of any kind, so what will happen if he wins? Anyway, if the Academy wants to reward a fascinating profile with equally fascinating twists and turns, then look for this to win.

Who Will Win: Inside Job

Beyond being exceptionally done and well deserving of the award, I think the Academy will make a statement and reward Charles Ferguson's fiery examination of the recent financial collapse and who was responsible for it.

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees: Christian Bale in The Fighter; John Hawkes in Winter's Bone; Jeremy Renner in The Town; Mark Ruffalo in The Kids Are All Right; Geoffrey Rush in The King's Speech

The Dark Horse: Geoffrey Rush

Why? Well, because the Academy loves artsy British movies and the actors in them. Judy Dench won Best Supporting Actress in Shakespeare in Love for being on screen all of 12 minutes (if that).

Who I Want to Win: John Hawkes

This is why we need to see clips, because the majority of people out there didn’t see Winter’s Bone, so they missed this terrifying role played with such controlled, subtle grace. Yes, I just used terrifying and grace in the same sentence. He’s come a long way since being Timothy Olyphant’s business partner in Deadwood.

Who Will Win: Christian Bale.

Bale knocks this role out of the park and has won pretty much every single major acting award on the road to the Oscars. This seems almost predestined, like with Heath Ledger winning for The Dark Knight…except, you know, without the whole death thing.

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees: Amy Adams in The Fighter; Helena Bonham Carter in The King's Speech; Melissa Leo in The Fighter; Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit; Jacki Weaver in Animal Kingdom

The Dark Horse: Jacki Weaver

Seriously Academy, can we have the clips back? If people didn’t see Winter’s Bone, there’s no way people saw Animal Kingdom, in which Jacki Weaver plays a “sweet reptile of a matriarch” as some critics have called her. The Oscars love evil, villainous performances in supporting roles, so that's good news for her.

Who I Want to Win: Hailee Steinfeld

She held the screen just fine with Damon and Bridges, thank you very much! And Bridges, in case you haven’t noticed, is also nominated and has a shot to go back to back. But this is more for spite. The Academy has a decent record of nominating young actors/actresses but not a good record of actually giving them the award, even if they deserve it.

Who Will Win: Melissa Leo

She has the momentum, winning pretty much every major award (like Bale) on her way to the Oscars. It’s a great performance of a bitch of a woman, and like I said, the Oscars tend to hand out the supporting role to villainous performances. So all signs point to Leo here.

Best Actress

Nominees: Annette Bening in The Kids Are All Right; Nicole Kidman in Rabbit Hole; Jennifer Lawrence in Winter's Bone; Natalie Portman in Black Swan; Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine

Dark Horses: Annette Bening & Jennifer Lawrence

Remember Sean Penn winning for Milk a couple of years ago? That was the Academy giving the middle finger to California Prop 8, the same-sex marriage law that was repealed that year. Well, if they feel political again, the award could go to Bening. Lawrence, in my opinion, gave a tour de force in Winter’s Bone so she’s got about a .004% chance.

Who I Want to Win: Michelle Williams AND Nicole Kidman

But only if they break to a closed circuit feed of the Cruise household for their reactions. I mean, Tom Cruise’s ex-wife wins a share of the award with Katie Holmes’ ex-Dawson’s Creek costar? That would be priceless. But alas…

Who Will Win: Natalie Portman

Lock it down. She’s won everything, and she got engaged AFTER her pregnancy only because she thought not being engaged while pregnant would hurt her chances of winning. OK, that’s probably not true but it sounds good, right?

Best Actor

Nominees: Javier Bardem for Biutiful; Jeff Bridges for True Grit; Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network; Colin Firth for The King's Speech; James Franco for 127 Hours

Dark Horse: Javier Bardem

Let me put it this way…when you’re good enough in a foreign film to get nominated, then that means the Academy really likes you – even if you are a major star.

Who I Want to Win: James Franco

Do yourself a favor and take a minute and lookup what Franco’s done the past year and a half or so. Go ahead, I’ll wait. (still waiting) Did you see all that crap? He is definitely anti-Hollywood. Oh, he gives a tour-de-force performance AND he’s hosting so that would be cool if he won. But alas…

Who Will Win: Colin Firth

By far the biggest lock of the night. Like Portman, he’s been winning everything leading up to the Oscars. You know, one could make a case that the 4 acting categories are all foregone conclusions. So feel free to take the Bale, Leo, Portman and Firth parlay and thank me later.

Director

Nominees: Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan; David O. Russell for The Fighter; Tom Hooper for The King's Speech; David Fincher for The Social Network; Joel & Ethan Coen for True Grit

Dark Horse: Christopher Nolan

The Academy isn’t a fan of Nolan’s so it would be tough for him to pull this off but he delivered a first-rate masterpiece with Inception.

Who I Want to Win: Christopher Nolan

I mean, pulling off dreamworld upon ever-changing dreamworld was beyond impressive. And weaving the mystery/thriller element was done exceptionally well. I’d love to see him take this home.

Who Will Win: Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech. Why? 3 reasons. First, he won the Director’s Guild Award. Second, the Academy loves British films and those associated with them. Finally, because Christopher Nolan ISN’T EVEN FUCKING NOMINATED!! Whatever. Let’s just move on to the big dawg of the night.

Best Picture

Nominees: Black Swan; The Fighter; Inception; The Kids Are All Right; The King's Speech; 127 Hours; The Social Network; Toy Story 3; True Grit; Winter's Bone

Dark Horses: The Fighter / Winter’s Bone / The Kids Are All Right

The Fighter has engaged in a huge amount of PR down the stretch, so if you think the Academy can be susceptible to that sort of thing and maybe swayed by the fact that everybody but Walberg got an acting nomination, then it has a puncher’s chance (sorry for the pun; I couldn’t resist). But if the Academy is going to reward collective acting in a cast, then it could easily hand the night’s top prize to Winter’s Bone or The Kids Are All Right. And of course, as I previously mentioned, if the Academy wants to make a statement about gay marriage, then that's another reason for The Kids Are All Right to shock the world.

Who I Want to Win: Inception

Can I interest you in this blog post in which I professed my love for it? Or if that’s not enough…how about this one?

Who Will Win: The King’s Speech

The Social Network led for about 80% of this race but The King’s Speech has been barreling down the home stretch like Secretariat (which I didn’t see, by the way). Oh, did I mention the Academy loves British movies? Don’t believe me? Here are just a couple of examples of Best Picture upsets.

1996 – The English Patient (over Fargo)

1998 – Shakespeare in Love (over Saving Private Ryan)

With that, enjoy “Oscar” and if you’re in my Oscars pool, disregard everything you read here.

The Rise of the 3rd Party

2011-02-22T21:07:00.001-06:00

Shortly after the Tea Party came to power, I made the argument that in the long run, it was good for the country. Even though I don’t agree with a lot of their positions and ideals, their rise may eventually and thankfully kill the two-party political system in this country. The 3^rd Party wouldn’t be the Tea Party, I argued, but their existence would fuel a rise on the extreme Left and finally sometime in the future, Moderate Republicans would join forces with Conservative (Blue Dog) Democrats. I further argued that this would be a good thing, because then to get anything done, coalitions would have to form…in a word, compromise would win the day.

Well, we recently took a giant step forward in getting there. In Wisconsin, a Tea Party/Conservative wave swept through the state in the fall of 2010. Now, their Republican Governor is attempting to not only cut the Public Workers Union (teachers, etc) benefits to save costs, but he wants to strip them of their collective bargaining rights, as Jon Stewart aptly pointed out, “so they can’t negotiate those benefits in the future.”

Meanwhile, recently elected Speaker of the House, John Boehner gave an interview in which he refused to say the word “compromise.” Seriously. He told Lesley Stahl from 60 Minutes that he rejected the word. Alrighty then. Chew on that while I tell you this…

Gov. Walker in Wisconsin has rejected two compromises over his collective bargaining bill (which he insists he’s only doing to save money). The first, suggested by a moderate Republican state senator would temporarily get rid of the collective bargaining for state workers for two years. Gov. Walker dismissed this. He also was quick to dismiss a proposal from the state workers’ union to cut their benefits, etc. to his desired levels, but it would allow them to keep their collective bargaining rights. If you’re scoring at home, in that compromise, he would have gotten about 90% of what he wanted…including the most important thing, at least as he’s stated repeatedly, to cut costs (to his desired levels).

Now, when I was growing up, the “c” word was a derogatory word used to describe a female you didn’t like. If you said “the c word” you were only talking about one word. Well, apparently in today’s political climate, the new “c” word is coming from the far Right, and that word is “compromise.” As in ‘never say’ and ‘avoid at all costs.’

So what does all this have to do with anything? Well, it’s pretty simple, really. If the far Right starts playing “all or nothing” then pretty soon the far Left will start playing “all or nothing” too. And then after awhile, nothing will get done because no one will want to compromise. Granted, big problems don’t get solved now, but this world I’m describing will be stunningly obvious and frustrating to the american people.

And that’s when the 3^rd party will rise. Governing is done in the middle. Compromising helps us move forward as a society. The Rolling Stones said it best: “You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.”

6 Super Bowl Spots and Me

2011-02-07T22:41:00.000-06:00

Well, another Super Bowl has come and gone. And unfortunatley, the ads during the big game keep getting shittier. As someone put it via Twitter on Sunday night, “many brands spend $3 million just to be in the cultural conversation.” If you ask me, talking about and arguing about the spots is almost as much fun as watching them. Since I’m in the indurstry, I thought I’d talk about my favorite ads of the night…all 6 of them. Advertising, much like anything creative is subjective, so I would expect you to disagree with my list. 3 quick notes: First, I’m just going to provide Youtube links to the spots below. Simply click on the commercial’s name. Secondly, although I enjoy them, you won’t find the E-Trade Baby on this list. We’ve seen it before. Finally, so you know where I’m coming from, here are 3 of my favorite Super Bowl spots of all-time…

1. E-Trade - Monkey

2. Monster.com – When I Grow Up

3. Tabasco – Mosquito

HM. Teleflora – Help Me Faith

Let’s start with an honorable mention for what should have been a good spot. I know it’s a Faith Hill line of flowers, but this spot would’ve been a lot better without her. How? Glad you asked. Get rid of Faith so it’s just the guy on his computer. Show him struggling with what to write…he doesn’t say a word. End with us seeing him send the “Dear Kim, your rack is unreal” message and being proud of himself for what he came up with. Then fade to the end card message – which is great, by the way. And boom. You have a much better spot.

6. NFL – Best Fans Ever

Simple. The NFL usually comes through with a nice spot to thank its fans during the Super Bowl and this year was no different. A great compilation of famous TV families sporting their hometown team’s gear. Too bad we’re headed for a lockout next season.

5. Subaru – Snowball

Confused? Can’t remember this one? Well, it didn’t air on FOX. This spot aired during the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. Yes, I’m a douche for including this but I don’t care. This was still better than 80% of the Super Bowl ads. It’s a spot perfect for the target audience – people who are watching puppies. It’s executed well and has a good message; your dog will love this Subaru. And it also reminds us of this very important point: it’s advertising…not brain surgery.

4. Bridgestone – Carma

This is a great spot that shows the benefit of Bridgestone tires with an unrealistic payoff. A driver is able to swerve out of the way of a beaver that’s in the road thanks to his Bridgestone tires. 6 months later amidst a storm, the beaver repays him by cutting down a tree, forcing the driver to stop just short of a road that’s washed away. In the past few years, Bridgestone has shown us what we can do with great tires…like traveling so fast that we can prevent erroneous emails from being read like in their other Super Bowl spot this year. But the product can get lost in those. This one is more on-point and benefit focused, in my opinion; which makes for a better ad.

3. Coca-Cola – Border

As long as I can remember, the Coke Super Bowl spots have been about bringing people together…or things…or inanimate objects through their love of Coke. And, of course, they do so in a very cinematic, over-the-top fashion. Well, this spot is dialed back a bit but the strategy, message and execution is a clear winner. Two soldiers from rival countries can come together thanks to Coke…if only for a minute. Ridiculous? Yes. Believable? Not really. But hey, this is advertising. Anything's possible.

2. Volkswagen – The Force

I’m linking to the :60 spot that was put online a few days before the Super Bowl (and got 13 million views by Sunday). The :30 that aired during the game simply didn’t do it justice. These final two spots are truly Super Bowl commercials. This :60 spot shows the product for maybe 8 seconds…and we don’t see the car perform or handle…there’s really no benefit shown…in fact, we barely see the interior. But we don’t care. What does a small Darth Vader running around the house have to do with the all-new Passat? I have no idea. Again, we don’t care. The kid…and the dad living vicariously through his son by hitting the autostart is awesome. Super Bowl commercials don’t need to be over the top…

1. Chrysler – Imported from Detroit

But sometimes they do. Chrysler’s been having a bad couple of years. They’ve been regrouping. Think…when’s the last time you saw an actual Chrysler commercial? Dodge launched their “2 things America got right…cars and freedom” spot with George Washington driving a Charger towards the Red Coats and Jeep’s “The Things We Make, Make Us.” These new grandiose directions come from a new partnership with W+K. Nobody does grandiose quite like W+K (Levi’s anyone?). But I digress…

Chrysler could have done what Chevy did. They could have had 4-5 spots throughout the game that were lukewarm, bordering on shitty. Instead, they took the opposite approach. In a night full of auto ads, Volkswagen used cuteness and humor to sell the Passat…Chrysler brought the pain using grit, determination and 2 full minutes to sell us on the all-new 200, Chrysler, Detroit…and America.

I gotta admit, I didn’t know what to make of this spot when it first aired. I was too easily distracted by the fact that Eminem was appearing in his 2^nd commercial of the night and that Chrysler just spent $12 million in ad-buy time for one 2:00 long spot. But I’ve watched this thing about 10 times in the past 24 hours and here’s what I think…

In 2:00, they attempted to redefine luxury, define and capture the mood of a city. They proudly announce that Detroit, Chrysler…and America are all back. It was a pep talk; a gloomy, realistic call to arms. Regarding effectiveness, only time will tell. If Chrysler goes out of business or needs more government help, this instantly becomes the worst spot of the night.

But I want my Super Bowl commercials to be big, strategic, entertaining and special. This spot was the biggest ad on advertising’s biggest night. And it gave me goosebumps. Nuff said.

Poor Michael Steele*

2011-02-03T22:53:00.001-06:00

America, a huge injustice has been done. An injustice that cannot go unmentioned. The injustice I speak of shakes the very political fiber of the Republican Party. That of which I speak of is none other than the election of Reince Priebus to RNC Chair.

But this injustice I find so injustifying has nothing to do with Michael Steele losing his bid to be reelected to that post. No, it has to do with the fact that no one let Michael Steele in on the joke. This joke, my fellow Americans, is what I will disclose here…in this very space…in just a couple of paragraphs.

It’s a theory; a thought; an educated guess. And while I have no facts to back up what I’m about to tell you, take solace in this: facts are for slow moving losers. We live in an information world where people can say whatever they want, however factually incorrect, and if it turns out to be true, they’re Nostradamus. If not, it’ll be forgotten in a day. It’s opinionated until proven factual. And it’s a win-win. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Folks, the GOP is an outstanding orgainization. If you take two steps back and really observe them, you will be in awe. They are tighter than a secret society and more disciplined than the 47 Ronin. We’re talking about an institution that if you were to describe how powerfully united their opposition to Democrats in Washington was, they’d be the Hoover Dam. No leaks. No drips. Nothing’s getting through unless they say it is.

This is also an organization, ladies and gentlemen, that has been so organized that if it was thought that they couldn’t beat a certain Democratic congressional candidate in the general election, they get enough Republicans to vote in the Democratic primary, defeating the popular candidate at that level, thus ensuring a Republican victory. That is genius. That is innovative. That, my friends…is the Republican party.

So why would a group so organized and disciplined elect a straight shooting, unpredictable chairman to run their party? A lot of people will say it was to show that they, too, are open and welcoming to minorities. But come on, that really isn’t the case now is it? After all, there’s been a purity cleansing going on now for the past 2-3 years within the party. Moderate Republicans are getting purged from office. And with a purge going on, you can’t tell me they were making a play towards a “large tent” party at the same time. No sir. I’m not buying it.

Now friends, here’s where the joke comes in. I believe the Republican Party never wanted Michael Steele to succed. And here’s why: once he acts erratic and irresponsible, people see an African American in charge and they think, “If that black guy can’t run the Republican Party, how the hell can this other black guy run our entire counry?” It’s association. It’s Psychology 101.

Here’s how it works. If I’m stuck behind an old person who’s driving 5 miles an hour and swerving all over the place, the next time I see an old person getting behind the wheel, I’m going to have a negative reaction to them. Under this premise, if we’d elected John Kerry in 2004, the RNC would have elected a tan, long winded orator who likes to snowboard to run afoul of their party (on the surface). Again, it’s all about negative association.

With Michael Steele’s job done, the RNC switched gears and elected a guy named Reince Priebus. I mean, that entire name screams “uptight white guy.” Now the RNC will magically whip into shape. And it will come out that Reince is doing a great job running the Republican Party so by 2012 anyone who looks at the RNC chairman on TV will think to themselves, “Man, that uptight white guy is doing a great job running the Republican Party. I bet an uptight white guy would do a great job running our country.” Hear that, Mitt Romney?? You just got some votes!

Of course, there’s no way I can prove any of this. But in today’s oversaturated information age, I don’t need to…as long as I include three magical words.

I’m just sayin’.

*If you haven’t figured it out, this was a mock-commentary of our society’s political coverage.

Mobile Tales: Vol. 2 (Crazy Lunch)

2011-01-27T22:57:00.000-06:00

So peep ‘dis…

Last week a few of us guys from work went to lunch at this place called Hopjacks. It’s basically a bar/restaurant that primarily serves pizza. 2 things stood out.

1) Towards the end of our lunch, some riff-raff walked in. Basically, a guy in his mid-to-late 20’s with dreadlocks wearing pants that have been sown together from various other pants. He walked up to the bartender, and although we couldn’t hear the conversation, the bartended responded with “No, we’re not licensed for that. Sorry.” But riff-raff kept asking him. Finally, after about 4-5 minutes, the dude walked outside to join his girlfriend and the dog that was with them. We didn’t think anything of it…

Until a couple minutes later when riff-raff walked back in to ask the same thing again. And here’s a big surprise…the bartender seemed annoyed. As soon as riff-raff walked back outside, the bartender shared that riff-raff was asking if his girlfriend’s dog could come inside with them. Why they didn’t think it would be ok tied up just outside the glass door on a 50 degree day, I’ll never know. But the bartender then said the best thing I heard all day…”I was gonna tell him that we actually do allow dogs in here…it’s riff-raff we have a problem with.” Well, that ended up being topped just 5 minutes later.

2) After we paid, we were getting ready to leave when a local oldtimer (I’m calling him that even though he was probably 50-60; but he looked weathered and much older) stumbled up to our table on his way out for a smoke. In his missing teeth smile and full denim ensemble (seriously, denim shirt tucked into denim jeans…I was waiting for Farva from Supertroopers to pop up with “Hey Denim Dan, where’d you get the Canadian Tuxedo?”); anyway, he stumbles up to us…

“Where you from?? Y’all from here?!?” to which we just nod and say yes. “That’s awesome. Well, I’ve been drinking all damn day and I just don’t give a shit.” By the way, it was 1:00 at that point and time. “Look man, life is short and you only go around once.” We nodded. “So you gotta drink all you can and fuck all you can while you’re here. Am I right?” We nodded vigorously.

With that he stumbled outside. We left 2 minutes later, but our path took us right by him. He asked, “Y’all from here??” And then he proceeded to say the exact same things in the same order as he did just 5 minutes before…but this time to himself because we were half a block away by the time he realized we didn’t stop.

Welcome to Mobile.

Mobile Tales: Vol. 1 (Fight Night)

2011-01-19T22:12:00.001-06:00

So peep ‘dis…

A good friend of mine from college was in town this last weekend. Saturday night we met up with some friends of mine from work in downtown Mobile for a little barhopping. The following is a cloudy, booze-filled account of what took place.

We start the night at one of my favorite bars/restaurants thus far, The Bicycle Shop. For the remainder of the evening, I’m joined by my college buddy and three coworkers, 2 female and 1 male. After a couple drinks and some food, we head a block down the street to a place called Corner Bar. You guessed it…it’s on a corner.

(By the way, the great thing about downtown Mobile is Dauphin Street. It’s a not-so-long, narrow street that surrounds you on all sides by restaurants, bars and clubs.)

Corner Bar is about 30 feet long and 10 feet wide. One of those classy establishments that has a single toilet in the restroom, a pool table that’s 30 years old and the inside feels like a strong gust of wind could blow it over. A band was tuning up on stage as we walked in. Their first selection of the night? C-Lo Green’s “F--- You.” Nice.

Side note: it took me 3 songs to realize the lead singer was a chick.

Anyway, everything’s cool for about an hour or so. Suddenly, this drunk guy is talking to a buddy of his. At least I think he’s his buddy. They suddenly start playfully pushing and pulling each other. Then the hammered guy grabs a bottle of Budweiser and pours it on this dude’s head. Seriously. First time in my life that I ever saw someone pour beer on someone else’s head. Before I can stop laughing, these two idiots are doing the ‘manhug throwdown,’ you know…sort of fighting, but they have their arms around each other so no punches are thrown. Luckily, the band was on break…they averaged a break about every 3 songs, by the way…so we got to hear a few bottles break. It was at this point when we decided it was time to leave.

So we’re pressing on. As we walk about 6 blocks to the next bar, my buddy visiting asks when bars close. “Well, it depends,” one of my coworkers says. “There’s this membership thing that bars around here do so they can stay open as long as there’s business. This place we’re going to, Boo Radley’s, could be open until 6:00 am.” Good to know.

We get to Boo Radley’s and it’s long and narrow with a bar extending down the one side. Another band was here, ironically playing many of the same tunes that the band at Corner Bar was playing.

We’re taking it easy, just hanging out on the side for a little while when all of a sudden, we can hear and see a commotion coming our way. It was like the Tazmanian Devil was coming through. In the chaos, there were 2 dudes trying to fight while about 3-4 guys were trying to break it up. Again, they were utilizing the manhug throwdown technique, but out of nowhere, some other dude came up to the side and starting kicking one of the guys in the leg. Then, the female bartender (not a small girl) jumps up on the bar, ready to pounce…although she didn’t jump into the crowd…which was extremely disappointing. I once watched a small female bartender in St. Paul do a superman dive, hold two guys apart, then 5 seconds after the bouncers arrived, she was taking orders with blood on her hand. But I digress…

About 15 minutes later, my buddy was approached by a couple of chicks inquiring if he was gay. If you knew my buddy, you’d laugh hysterically at that assumption. Perhaps it was because he’s in from out of town and doesn’t shop at the same store as every guy down here…

It’s kind of funny how each city has a douche bag uniform. In Portland, it was the wool cap (even during summer) with a scruffy beard and skinny jeans. Here in Mobile, it’s khaki pants with sneakers, tucked in casual dress shirt and either a cap or the same bushy forward slanting haircut. Basically, it looks like something they could wear to church and then hop in a fishing boat 5 minutes later.

To close out our night, we got a cherry on top of our fight sundae about 30 minutes later. A bouncer was physically pushing a guy towards the exit. But what does the drunk guy do halfway to the door? He bends over and takes his shirt off, of course. He then proceeded to walk by us shirtless on his way out the door.

Welcome to Mobile.

14 Things I Learned in Cancun

2011-01-17T23:10:00.001-06:00

I went to Cancun for the first time about a month ago. Here are some important things that I learned while there, in no particular order.

1. All-inclusive is awesome. It’s truly the way to go. I’ve known people who have gone on cruises and end up spending more on booze and food then the total cost of the cruise. Want to eat a huge steak? Included. Want to get wasted and have 14 drinks in one night? Included. It’s fantastic not having to worry about secondary costs skyrocketing on you.

2. My Spanish = muy mal. That’s very bad for those that don’t habla. My 2 years of high school Spanish enabled me to speak just enough of a greeting to make someone think that I’m fluent…then they’d talk like crazy…then I’d remember why I took Latin in college.

3. Bring a pen. Otherwise you’re that douche bag on the plane who needs to borrow one to fill out the custom’s forms. And yes, I was that douche bag on the flight down.

4. People watching is fantastic. There are people from all walks of life and all ages. I saw entire family stumble around hammered one night…3 generations strong! And there was a chick who fascinated me for the entire time I was there. But not in that way. I couldn’t tell if she was 23 or 42, a prostitute, stripper or trophy girlfriend and how many drugs she was on while there. But people watching has a dark side.

5. Some people should wear more clothes around the pool. Look, there’s a saying that goes something like this: “A burning fire and a zamboni on ice…you just can’t take your eyes off ‘em.” Well, I’m going to add ’60 year old in speedos’ to that saying. There’s something terrifyingly hypnotic about an old dude in speedos. Now let’s move on before I throw up.

6. All-inclusive is awesome. Yes, I’m saying it again. Speaking of awesome…

7. Having a wedding on the beach is pretty frickin’ cool. But before the wedding…

8. At an all-inclusive resort, don’t be the only person at the bar. Quick story: my sister was getting married at 3:00. I rolled into the bar at 2:15 for a drink before heading down to the beach a few minutes before 3:00. I was the only one there. Talking to the bartender, he quickly learned my sister was getting married. So he prepared 2 drinks and 4 different shots for me while I was there. I soon realized that I needed to leave before I got hammered. So I stumbled out…at 2:30.

9. Know the SPF of your sunscreen. If you want to get tan, don’t mistakenly put on your mother’s SPF 4000 on the best day of sun for the whole trip. And yes, this happened to me.

10. Bring a bunch of small bills for tips. And tip well. Don’t be a dick.

11. Going to bed at 10:00 – 11:00 at night isn’t as wussified as it seems. Especially when you’ve been drinking all day in the sun. Don’t be a hero.

12. If you go golfing and there are signs saying don't feed the wildlife, don’t throw chips on the ground. Because this will happen…

13. All-inclusive is awesome. Did I mention that already?

14. Finally, one important thing I learned is that it’s really hard for someone who’s never been to Cancun to really appreciate what it has to offer. The reaction tends to be, “so…you just lie around in the sun and drink all day?” Believe me, that was me before I went. So…uh...yeah...that pretty much makes this whole blog post irrelevant. Thanks for reading anyway.

4 TV Shows I'm Watching (and you should be too)

2011-01-07T00:18:00.000-06:00

First, I need to apologize. TV, you’re my mistress. And I’ve neglected you in this space like Tiger Woods neglects a good tip. Since it’s midseason TV time, I thought I’d talk about 4 excellent shows that I can’t get enough of. So if you've quit watching Sarah Palin’s Alaska on TLC faster than she quit being Governor and are looking for some new shows, I got you covered.

Gold Rush: Alaska

Friday Nights at 10:00/9:00c on Discovery Channel

Just line this up alongside Deadliest Catch. And if you like watching guys fish for crab gold, then you’ll love this group of guys from Oregon trying to strike it rich in Alaska. They sold a ton of their belongings to get 90 days worth of equipment and supplies. And that's their window to try and strike it rich. 90 days. They seem to know what they’re doing, but they really don’t…and that makes it fascinating. Here’s why Gold Rush: Alaska is appointment viewing for me…it’s a group of guys out of their element, desperately trying to better their financial situation(with a huge gamble) in the midst of the Great Recession. In the premier episode, the main guy looks right into the camera and asks, "Can't a guy risk it all in America anymore?" And it's that's not awesome enough, at the end of the first episode, the grizzly old guy in the group talked about how it’s an adventure worth living, and there isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t want to be right there with them. And you know what? He’s right.

http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/gold-rush-alaska/

Top Gear

Sunday Nights at 10:00/9:00c on History Channel after Ax Men

If you like cars, then this is for you. One of Europe’s most popular shows ever comes to America, and let me tell you, this is addicting television. Simply put, 3 hosts look at cars and how they perform for an hour. But it’s so much more than that. Each episode focuses on some sort of challenge or race. A couple of weeks ago, the 3 hosts raced from downtown Miami to Key West, Florida…1 by Lotus; 1 by speed boat; and one by hydraplane. Of course, the boat had to idle through “no wake” waters for 45 minutes and the guy with the plane had to take a cab to the dock where the hydraplane was. And they do something cool like that every week. Combine that with their featured car segment when they really examine a new vehicle and the always entertaining “big star in a little car” segment where they put someone (like Tim Allen) in a Suzuki for a timed lap around their course is what makes this like crack coocaine for my viewing senses.

http://www.history.com/shows/top-gear

The first two shows are brand new, but the final two are previous favorites of mine that have recently gotten a little bit of a facelift.

American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior

Monday Nights at 9:00/8:00c on Discovery Channel

I used to be a huge fan of American Chopper. In fact, it’s one of those shows that if nothing else is on and they’re showing a rerun, no matter what it is, I’ll watch. But a couple three years ago, they moved to TLC and I lost interest. Well, over the past couple of months, American Chopper has come back where it started for only a limited number of episodes. And there’s a reason for that.

If you’re not familiar with the show, Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. Teutel own and run Orange County Choppers building custom motorcylces. We’ve seen them caught up in arguments upon arguments over the years. Well, the volcano finally erupted and Paul Sr. fired his son, Paul Jr. The aftermath is now to our benefit...one show; 2 shops (after Paul Jr. decided to open his own shop); 4 storylines.

Not only do I already have years invested in this story, but there isn’t a more tragic family dynamic playing out on TV today. Father and Son don’t talk to each other and their shattered relationship is as fascinating as the bikes each is building. Throw in Paul Jr.’s struggle to launch his own company and this has become a must see for me every week. And last Monday’s “behind the scenes” episode was a fascinating peak further examining this frayed relationship. Unfortunately, we only have 4 episodes left.

http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/american-chopper/

Hoarders

Monday Nights at 10:00/9:00c on A&E

I’ve been on the Hoarders train ever since it spun off from Obsessed (also a great show). Hoarders and what precedes it, Intervention, are structured roughly the same way. We spend 15-20 minutes getting to know the person and their problem, then professionals try to help them, they resist, they eventually break down, there’s a break through and finally progress is made. I got to the point where I would watch the first 15-20 minutes of each and then tune in to the last 5 minutes to see the finished progress; it’s tough for me to watch the in-between. I did this for awhile. Then I stopped watching.

Well, the new episode I watched Monday took the show to a whole new level. Two of the most hostile, frustrating, childish and vocally violent people I had ever seen were profiled. For the first time ever, I felt these people didn’t deserve help. And did I mention how terrible their hoarding problems were? Just awful. It was difficult to watch…but extremely fascinating. So if that episode becomes more of the norm and not just an exception, then Hoarders is back to appointment viewing for me.

http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/index.jsp

While I have you here, I just want to make a plea for you to watch 2 shows that are coming back on.

1) Parks & Rec (NBC, Thursday Nights at 9:30/8:30c starting Jan. 20^th)

Let’s say you’re a struggling network. You have an outstanding ensemble sitcom that has a frustratingly small but cult-like following that critics also love. So what do you? You put it on hiatus for the fall so you can premier a steaming pile of shit in its place while other steaming piles of shit are littered througout your entire lineup. This, my friends, is NBC. It’s like the executives sat around thinking, “we need to do something bold…I know, let’s take one of our best shows off the air for half the year!” Idiots. So please watch this show. Pretty please?? I don’t ask for much. And I need Parks & Rec on the air.

Why you should watch this show in 3 words or less: Ron Effing Swanson!

2) Justified (FX, Wednesday Nights at 10:00/9:00c starting Feb. 9^th)

I’ll end on a short note. This is Timophy Olyphant doing Timothy Olyphant things. Namely kicking ass and taking names. Think Dirty Harry combined with Wyatt Earp. Throw in a great cast of “that guys” including Shane from The Shield, and combine that with a network that has an excellent track record (The Shield, Sons of Anarchy, Rescue Me) and you have a winner. Just watch. You’ll like it. If not, I’ll refund your money for reading this blog post.

Happy TV viewing!

Leadership in 140 Characters

2011-01-04T00:39:00.001-06:00

Back in the winter/spring of 1997, my small hometown was hit with the biggest blizzard I can remember. And when you grow up in North Dakota, that’s saying something. The storm lasted about 3 days and eventually led to the Great Flood of ’97 that destroyed the city of Grand Forks, ND.

My father was the mayor of our town at the time. I remember because I saw him for a total of about 5 minutes during those 3 days. Even if he wasn’t the mayor, he still would have been out helping set up a generator-powered shelter for the elderly and checking on residents. Of course, he was joined by a contingent of volunteers. Some people are doers.

I was reminded of that storm while witnessing the plight of another town over this past holiday season…only I watched this unfold via Twitter. If you are unfamilar with social media, and especially Twitter, you can find a great explanation of it here. Much as Facebook has revolutionized social norms, Twitter has been revolutionizing how we exchange information. And nobody put on a better display over the holidays than Newark, NJ Mayor, Cory Booker.

If you don’t know Cory Booker, you really should. A graduate of Stanford, he was awarded a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford. And after Oxford, he received a J.D. from Yale. From 1998 to 2006, he lived in Brick Towers, a troubled housing complex in Newark’s Central Ward.

I could tell Cory Booker was a doer when I first watched him on Meet the Press. He spoke confidently and frankly about the challenges his city faced. But he didn’t speak in grandiose terms. Instead, he spoke of hard-knuckled solutions that were being implemented. And soon after, those solutions paid dividends.

So it came as no big surprise to me that Cory Booker was using (and I mean using) Twitter as a direct line to his constituents during the storm (and more importantly, during the clean up). With a lone police officer accompanying him, Mayor Booker made the rounds during extremly long and hazardous days, ensuring that his residents were getting what they needed. Here are just a couple examples of his tweets.

I will have someone inspect/help RT @flynubian1024: Bruce street is still not plowed between 14th and 15th ave. Please help us.

You are right Broom St is very bad. I'm here now. I'll work to get folks out here asap. @MaYa_MooK: RT @N0Eway Broome Hasn't been plowed yet

I will send note 2 their supervisor RT @Brnsugarcm crew did great job on Norman Rd but ran out Gas B4 Finishing. Can we just get some SALT?

He didn’t pull any punches, at one point calling out a resident who used vulgarities to rip on the mayor and the situation. We later learned that Mayor Booker insisted the man come out and meet him so they could talk it over…which they did. In fact, there were countless times when Mayor Booker asked residents to DM (direct message) him their location so he could swing by and talk and clear up any confusion or dissatisfaction.

It was truly incredible to watch unfold. How he was able to sift through and respond to all of the requests while keeping a positive attitude, like retweeting this, is beyond me.

Huge Laugh! RT @Honky_B_Cool can you send a salt truck to Las Vegas Blvd and Tropicana? The bartender forgot to salt my margarita.

I’ve continued to follow him on Twitter after the storm because of how inspring his leadership is…as seen in these two recent tweets over the past couple of days.

When I walk I try 2 pick up litter. Talking not as powerful as doing. Actions, good or bad are the only way we can truly shape our community

Yesterday's 1st murder of the year is a call to ALL who seek peace in our city that if we don't change we can't expect our city to.

Even though I was warm half the country away, I’ll always remember The Great Whiteout of 2010 as the time when we saw inspiring leadership communicated through 140 character bursts thanks, eliciting reactions like this...

U r welcome RT @Misspotential: @CoryBooker Just left the front of my house he was shoveling BEST MAYOR EVER I love you CORY BOOKER THANK U!

Yep. I think America could use a few more doers like Cory Booker.

(PS - the morning after I posted this entry, Cory Booker showed up in the Huffington Post. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cory-booker/hypocrisy_b_803962.html)